In Preparation for Our Next School Shooting…
In preparation for our next school shooting, it is imperative to rehearse your sympathetic gestures long before the next round of dead children is announced. After all, no one wants to be caught off-guard in situations such as these.
To begin, let’s go through a round of quick exercises.
First, open your mouth as wide as you can and lift your tongue all the way to the roof of your mouth. Now, bring your tongue down to the gumline behind your bottom teeth. Do this at least ten times in a row, three times a day. This will make the prayers slide out effortlessly.
Remember, prayers will signal to everyone that you care and you are just as upset as they are.
Next, let’s work on those fingers. If you aren’t within earshot of the bereaved, it’s always a good idea to express your condolences on social media. Therefore, you should stretch your fingers and thumbs before posting so you don’t run the risk of a cramp. We don’t want to hurt ourselves, do we?
To ensure your words of comfort are posted smoothly, take one of your thumbs with your opposite hand and slowly pull it back away from the palm. Repeat this motion with each digit on each hand at least three times a day. Remember, it’s always best to be prepared to send out those notes of sympathy as a school shooting could break out at any time across this United States.
Speaking of sympathetic messages, perhaps consider something along the lines of, ‘Bless those poor children,’ or ‘At least they’re in a better place,’ or ‘They’re now in the arms of their Loving Heavenly Father.’ Even if the dead children were raised by Muslims, Atheists, or other undesirables, this message is sure to comfort the weeping mothers and fathers as they would be happy to know the soul of their precious child is indeed in a better place.
Now, let’s talk about rest. Please make sure to get a lot of sleep. Issuing social media posts and uttering prayers can take a severe toll on you mentally and physically, therefore it is highly recommended you get the standard sixteen hours of sleep during the day, as well as an additional eight at night, to feel like a fully functioning American adult.
Once you’ve completed your exercises and gotten enough rest, you should be ready to go to get that sympathy out there! And don’t worry. It shouldn’t be long before you put your training to good use. The next batch of dead children should more than likely be announced within a matter of days, or hours if we’re lucky!
Please stand by.
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Mike McHone is a Derringer Award-winning, Anthony Award-nominated writer whose work has appeared in Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, Dark Yonder, Playboy, the AV Club, and numerous other outlets. He was cited on the Distinguished List in 2024’s Best American Mystery and Suspense. He currently lives in Detroit. Visit him online at www.mikemchone.com
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