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Academy 666

Bagsmore High was a failing school, of that there could be no doubt. Results were abysmal. The kids didn’t want to learn. The staff didn’t want to teach. It got so bad the head ended up drinking bleach through a straw.

A new group with new ideas put a bid in to turn the school around. Bagsmore High was renamed Academy 666. And things have changed a lot.

The school motto is now, ‘This is a tempting school, where everybody gives in to temptation.’ The new head, Mr Dickens rules with a new broom and holds sway and dominion over all. Outside the head’s office a new sign says It is better to be feared than respected.

And everyone certainly fears Mr Dickens.

The staff were given an ultimatum to either go into the wilderness or sign a new contract in blood. Nearly all agreed. Well, what’s the difference between one unverified belief and another? Mr Dickens says he expects all staff to give their ‘heart and soul’ to making Academy 666 a success.

They still have a daily act of collective worship at Academy 666, but it’s different. Every morning the kids bow down and prostrate themselves before a monstrous statue that has seven heads. By the end it’s ringed with worshippers wailing and writhing around the floor. Mr Dickens calls it ‘the seven ways to success.’

The curriculum has seen the biggest change. Mr Dickens has swept away subjects like science, drama, history and P.E.

Now kids can take part in the mid morning Wrath where they all get graded for kicking and punching one another. The kids start off by shouting abuse as well as screaming and swearing at one another.

Then it’s a period of standing in front of the mirror where everyone can admire themselves. Mr Dickens says it’s essential that everyone takes extreme and excessive pride in their appearance at Academy 666. He awards special prizes for the best pouters.

The lunch hour has been extended to two hours so the kids can gorge themselves on chips, cake, chocolate and more chips. Mr Dickens has ensured that extra helpings of ice cream and lashings of lard are laid on for those who are still hungry.

After lunch all the kids go to sleep. They call this ‘lazy time.’

I am told that the lessons in lust are proving very popular.

Academy 666 also makes sure that greed and envy are not neglected.

There is a special room set aside where the kids can do what they like, and so far they like vandalising, smashing things up, as well as painting and drawing on the walls and doors to their delight. I’m told this is popular with the staff too.

They kept personal and social education at the new academy, but instead of building chairs out of old newspapers or filling in endless questionnaires, the kids now get to learn about how to drink alcohol, smoke, cheat and gamble. Those who are identified as gifted and talented in this latter area are taken on a field trip by Mr Dickens to Las Vegas to raise more money for the academy.

Results have dramatically improved.

It seems that Mr Dickens’ promise to show the slackers ‘what Hell really looks like’ has had a positive effect on effort and concentration.

It is reported that the education authorities are strongly tempted to expand the pilot model Academy 666 across the entire district.