The Gorko Gazette

TALES FROM THE MONASTERY

A student asks the Master: ‘What is the color of the wind?’ The Master says: ‘It depends on the pollen count.’

A student asks the Master: ‘Does a dog have Buddha nature?’ The Master says nothing. He takes a bite of his apple. The man says, ‘What is the meaning of that?’ The Master says, ‘The apple is good.’

The student says, ‘Master, I cannot find peace.’ The Master says, ‘Where is the peace hiding?’ The student thinks for a moment. He scratches his head. He says, ‘I do not know.’ The Master smiles.

The student says, ‘I have a question.’ The Master says, ‘So do I.’ The student says, ‘What is your question?’ The Master says, ‘When will this fly land on the sugar bowl?’

A bird flies by the window. The Master asks, ‘Did you see that?’ The student says, ‘Yes.’ The Master says, ‘Then you do not need me.’

The student complains about the cold weather. The Master says, ‘The cold is just cold.’ The student says, ‘But I do not like it.’ The Master says, ‘Do you like your hands?’ The student says, ‘Yes, I like my hands.’ The Master says, ‘Then you like the cold.’

A student is carrying water in two buckets. One bucket has a hole. Water is spilling out. The student is worried. The Master says, ‘The trees along your path have never been greener.’

The student says, ‘I am afraid of dying.’ The Master says, ‘Have you ever been afraid of the past?’ The student says, ‘No.’ The Master says, ‘Then do not worry about the future.’

The student asks, ‘How do I know when I am enlightened?’ The Master says, ‘Your tea will be the right temperature.’

The student says, ‘Master, I am cold.’ The Master says, ‘Put on a sweater.’ The student says, ‘Is that the ancient wisdom?’ The Master says, ‘It is wisdom that works today.’

The student says, ‘I am empty.’ The Master picks up a stone from the ground. ’This stone is full of stone,’ he says.

A bird lands on the windowsill. It looks at the Master. The Master looks at the bird. The bird flies away. The Master says, ‘He had somewhere else to be.’

The student asks, ‘How do I live a good life?’ The Master takes a deep breath. He lets it out. ’Like that,’ he says.

The student says, ‘I have so many burdens.’ The Master takes the student’s backpack. He places it on the floor. ’There,’ he says.

The student asks, ‘Is there life after death?’ The Master looks at the sunset. ’Is there life before dinner?’

The student asks, ‘How do I find my true self?’ The Master looks at his watch. ’It is twenty past three,’ he says.

A monk asked the Master, ‘I am pushing a heavy shopping cart up a hill. When I stop pushing, it rolls back down. What is the sound of the wheels not turning?’ The Master replied, ‘A flat tire’.

A man found an old mirror by the side of the road, intended for the trash. He looked into it. It was so cracked and missing most of its silver backing that it was more a window looking out at a wall looking back at him. He asked the Master, ‘Which is the reflection, and which is the wall?’ The Master said, ‘You should have taken it home’.

A monk was walking with the master. The Master’s cell phone rang. He looked at it, but did not answer. The monk asked, ‘Who calls?’ The Master said, ‘The universe.’ The monk said, ‘Should you not answer the universe?’ The Master said, ‘It left a message.’

A monk asked, ‘I have been mowing the lawn for a week, and it still grows back. What is the meaning of effort?’ The Master pointed to a dandelion. ‘It stops growing in winter,’ he said.

The Master held up a coffee mug that said, ‘World’s Greatest Master.’ A monk asked, ‘Is that true?’ The Master drank his coffee and said, ‘It was on sale.’

A monk and the Master were in a car. The monk was driving five miles over the speed limit. The monk asked, ‘Where is the middle way?’ The Master replied, ‘The posted speed limit is forty-five.’

A monk received a parking ticket. He held it up and asked, ‘What is the sound of the law?’ The Master looked at the ticket and said, ‘Two hundred and fifty dollars.’

A monk complained, ‘The forecast said it would be sunny, but it is raining.’ The Master replied, ‘The weather does not read the newspaper.’

A monk presented the Master with a balanced checkbook and asked, ‘Is this enlightenment?’ The Master looked it over and replied, ‘Only if you can maintain this balance after paying the electric bill.’

A monk was watching television. The Master entered and asked, ‘What is on?’ The monk said, ‘Everything, and nothing at all.’ The Master picked up the remote and changed the channel. ‘Now it is something else,’ he said.

A monk asked, ‘If I wake up at the same time every day, am I free?’ The Master pointed to the alarm clock and said, ‘Ask the little hand.’

A monk asked, ‘What is the true nature of things?’ The Master pulled at a loose thread on the monk’s sweater. ‘Stop that!’ the monk yelled. ‘Exactly,’ the Master said.

A monk observed a cat squeezing through a small opening in a door designed for it. He asked, ‘Is the cat big, or is the hole small?’ The Master said, ‘The cat is through the door now. It is neither.’

A monk driving too fast hit a speed bump with a loud thump. He asked the Master, ‘Did I just experience enlightenment?’ The Master replied, ‘Your shock absorbers did.’

A monk’s flashlight battery died while he was looking for something in the dark. He asked, ‘Where does the light go when the battery dies?’ The Master replied, ‘To the garbage can with the battery.’

The check-engine light came on in the Master’s car. A monk asked, ‘What does it mean?’ The Master replied, ‘It means the car is trying to tell us something.’ The monk asked, ‘What is it trying to tell us?’ The Master said, ‘That we are going to be late, and we will probably have to pay a mechanic.’

A student asks the Master, ‘If I meet the Buddha on the road, what should I do?’ The Master replies, ‘Offer him a chair. Good posture is important.’

A student asks the Master, ‘What is The Way?’ The Master replies, ‘The Way is the quiet agreement between your foot and the ground.’

---

ABOUT THE ARTIST

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…

Image: Buddhist monastery on the Indus River in the Ladakh Himalayas.jpg