New content every morning!

With more than 50 new fears being registered every single hour by the monkey-cum-typewriter set ripping off copy at everyone’s favorite new website, phobiapedia.com, it can be hard to distinguish between the phobias that are downright paranoia and the phobias that you definitely should be worrying about. Time is money, so today The Gorko pays YOU: our editorial team (dogged — slinky — sly), after sifting through more than 30,000 phobiapedia entries, have boiled the website’s content down to the essential 10 phobias that should most definitely be freaking you out today.

LIGYROPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF LAWNMOWERS

Here in the summer of our discontent, surrounded by middle-aged dads on riding mowers, what could be more essential than a fear of loud noises associated with lawn mowing? Symptoms include but are not limited to sweaty palms, buzzing in the ears, darkened vision, and of course a panicky urge to get the hell out of there! Nor is this terrifying fear limited to riding mowers: those afflicted with this phobia may also experience discomfort or panic when confronted by push mowers, strimmers, and/or leaf blowers.

HIPPOPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF HORSES

Not to be confused with its more popular cousin, hippopotamophobia, this particular brand of zoophobia (not the fear of zookeepers, zooscopophobia, but the fear of animal lust) can be just as dangerous. Symptoms include fear of horses — and we are not just talking wild stallions that drag you away, or 14+ hand steeds with fiery eyes, or horses guided by men without heads. No, many people — people you may know — are afflicted by a very real and dangerous phobia of miniature ponies, even such as sport rainbow tails and knicker in delight, and would eat a carrot out of your hand like a baby goat.

HISPANOPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF BEING CONQUERED BY HERNÁN CORTÉS

Few phobias are as specific as hispanophobia, the fear of being duped, plundered, and then systematically eradicated from the face of Mexico by Hernán Cortés de Monroy Y Pizarro, the long-dead Spanish conquistador, and his rapist friends. While unlikely as hell freezing over, that does not make this fear any less dangerous: were you to meet Hernán Cortés de Monroy Y Pizarro in the flesh, he would likely sic literal dogs on you and then steal your woman.

TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF COUNTING ABOVE TEN IN GREEK

While the name of the phobia refers specifically to saying aloud the word thirteen in Greek, many suffer from the fear of counting above ten as well. This is due to the irregular pattern of the teen numbers in that language. Symptoms include spontaneously switching to Italian and breaking out in hives.

APEIROPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF BEING TOUCHED BY GOD

While unlikely that THE LORD GOD, CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH would deign to reach down from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and touch a filthy, unlettered plebe such as yourself with His big finger, it is a fear that is nonetheless very real for many. Never mind that, should God even look at you, you would most likely just turn to everlasting ash and your soul be annihilated, blotted from the Book of Life, and your things distributed amongst His disciples.

SIDERODROMOPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF HAVING YOUR CABOOSE HELD UP AT GUNPOINT BY MASKED MEN

Many city slickers such as yourself would scoff at the fear of having their caboose held up at gunpoint by masked men, but if you ever rode point out Waco up through Indian Territory and brought your herd successfully into Dodge and been paid off, well boy, you would not want your train getting knocked over by a bunch of old timey bandits. This would be a fear that would indeed weigh heavily on your mind and heart, and secret purse.