YES BUT NOT SO AS ANYONE CAN PROVE WE HATH HAD HAND IN IT
Holy fucking Christ little Ethy, what are you doing sneaking around the refectory at this hour? If I had been carrying my dagger I would have stabbed you deeper than Novice Zeke in the straw after Compline!
Ha ha ha, just a little joke, Jesus lighten up you little dweeb. And stand up straight before Brother Marcus thinks it is Compline o’clock.
I BELIEVE IT CAN BE DONE BY SLOW APPLICATION OF THE TINCTURE TO HIS MILK
What’s that? Speak up, baby bunny, you have got back to whispering despite the weeks of elocution classes. You address any of us big boy monks and you got to be able to enunciate your words, boy! We don’t LIKE it when we have to ask novices to repeat themselves. We have better things to do. And if we get cross, then so does Jesus!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it? Jesus gets cross? Ha ha ha ha!
THEN WHEN HE BEGINS TO FLAG, WE UPEND THE REST OF THE VIAL INTO HIS MEDICINE
Yes, my young friend, OF COURSE we were talking about poison. We do nothing BUT talk of poison in late summer. It is the hot topic!
AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF MICRODOSING, THE LITTLE BROWN-NOSER SHALL APPEAR SIMPLY TO LOSE STRENGTH, THEN DIE
Indeed, young Ethy, ha ha. Let me explain it to you. You see, at the first blush of Autumn aaaaaaaaaaaall of the older monks shall begin to fortify their ale with slight tincture of nightshade, a very very very naughty poison, yet which when applied in miniscule doses (miniscule means very very small), which can not in fact be said to alter either the smell or flavor of standard brew, yet shall with time not weaken but strengthen our already taught, muscular, vegetarian bodies and veins against the harmful effects of nightshade.
METHINKS WE CAN GET HIM TO POISON HIMSELF, THE LITTLE FRIAR-LOOKING RAGAMUFFIN
Why no never, dear novice, you should fear no harm from any monk as has taken vows within THESE WALLS. Yet the dark-hearted Benedictines from Our Lady of Victories are much to be feared. You know how they are always quarreling with us at market, and tossing dead cats upon our Priory ramparts, and pissing in our well? Well indeed we fear much worse than urine from the blackrobe set this winter, those as consider themselves so much our superiors in their fancy dark threads, and we have even heard rumors of a plot to murder key members of our order during the feast of Epiphany, and possibly even ‘several boy monks’.
That is right.
And a Benedictine’s favorite tool of murder, young Ethy, as we all know, is POISON. Just ask Prior Spock Bockum, whose predecesor Brother Saavik was foully murdered by a darkrobe out of Saint Annie’s and Grenada with a bottle of roofied mead.
THERE HE GOES, THE LITTLE FUCKER, OFF TO CRY TO THE PRIOR LIKE THE SILVER-SPOON-IN-MOUTH ASSLICKER HE IS
So, my brethren, starting in October, we shall introduce the nincompoop to our strategy for slowly building up immunity to deadly nightshade, and see how he likes his breakfasts.
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Cartoon No. 74
Cartoons by Dmitriy Kogan
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