As we swing briskly into the chilly arms of autumn, the weather turns brisk and the trees begin to turn colors, and it is Halloween, you may not be the only one who finds themself pondering the age-old question about trees: how can we keep them from leaving? Below are three of our best guesses!
KEEP THE LUMBERJACKS AWAY
You know the old adage, An apple a day keeps the lumberjacks away. Keep a bin of ripe apples in your yard to distract the lumberjacks.
HUG A TREE TODAY
Sometimes trees leave because they feel underappreciated or unwanted. Go out to your tree, put your arms around it, and squeeze. Tell the tree that you will love it unconditionally, unless it gets the canker disease, in which case you will be forced to call up your lumberjack friends.
SPEND MORE TIME IN THE FOREST
Too many young urban professionals are simply too caught up in their day-to-day work and home life grind that they forget to just go out into the forest and get lost for a day. I mean, do not literally get lost, that would be terrifying and you would probably die. But go out and pretend that you are lost, making sure to carve clear blazes in the trunks of trees every thirty feet or so in order to find your way back to kind, comforting civilization after you tree bathe.
And for the love of God, if your trees insist on leaving, just let them go.
Gorko retread: originally published 31 October 2023
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