The Gorko Gazette

HEAVY METAL BAND RECRUITS BAGPIPE PLAYER IN BID TO BECOME ‘CONSIDERABLY MORE THREATENING’

Rival groups respond with increasingly desperate attempts to reclaim sonic dominance

BIRMINGHAM — A Midlands heavy metal band has announced the recruitment of a professional bagpipe player, describing the move as ‘the most important creative decision we’ve made since turning the amplifiers up.’

The band, Grave Dividend, made the announcement on Tuesday after reportedly spending six months searching for an instrument capable of sounding ‘both ancient and deeply irritated.’

‘We tried keyboards,’ said frontman Dave Smith. ‘Then we tried two bass players. But neither of them could make a noise that suggested an army was approaching from the Highlands.’

The band’s new member, 58-year-old former wedding musician Malcolm Fraser, will join the group immediately.

Fraser said he had initially been sceptical.

‘I thought they wanted a piper for one song,’ he explained. ‘Then they asked if I could play a thirty-minute solo while standing on a burning amplifier.’

Rivalry descends into arms race

The announcement has triggered an escalating dispute among several of the region’s leading metal bands.

Black Sabbath tribute act Iron Sabbath initially dismissed the move as ‘an act of desperation.’

‘We’ve seen bands add violins, choirs and even a didgeridoo,’ said guitarist Colin Marsh. ‘But bagpipes? That’s not metal. That’s what happens when a wedding goes badly.’

Within 48 hours, however, Iron Sabbath announced the recruitment of a professional accordion player.

‘We’ve had to respond,’ Marsh said. ‘Unfortunately, he lives in Dudley and can only rehearse on Tuesdays.’

Death-metal outfit Blood Tax went further, unveiling what it called its ‘nuclear option’: a 400-watt church organ.

‘We spent £6,000 on it,’ vocalist Neil Carter said. ‘We don’t know how to play it, but neither does anyone else.’

Progressive metal band Quantum Funeral subsequently announced that it had hired a man who ‘owns a didgeridoo.’

Asked whether he could actually play the instrument, the band’s manager replied, ‘That is not currently relevant.’

By Friday, the situation had deteriorated further.

Grave Dividend responded by announcing that Fraser would be joined on stage by a second bagpipe player.

The rival bands immediately accused the group of ‘stockpiling bagpipes.’

One unnamed band is reportedly considering the use of a brass section, while another has approached the Royal Marines about borrowing a ceremonial cannon.

Festival organisers have urged the groups to ‘stop escalating.’

Their request was ignored.

Fans remain confused Despite the increasingly bitter rivalry, fans appear delighted.

‘I came for the music,’ said longtime concertgoer Sharon Wilkes. ‘Now I’m basically watching an arms race between men who own unusual instruments.’

Meanwhile, Grave Dividend has confirmed that its next album, Haggis of the Damned, will feature twelve tracks, including Kill the Accountant, Cemetery at Inverness and the nine-minute instrumental Nobody Expected the Second Bagpipe.

Fraser said he was looking forward to the band’s first major festival appearance this summer.

‘I’m excited,’ he said. ‘I’ve never played metal before.’

He paused. ‘Although I have played at three funerals.’

The band described the comment as ‘exactly the sort of energy we’re looking for.’

At press time, Iron Sabbath had reportedly hired a Highland dancer. Sources close to the band said negotiations were underway with ‘a man who owns a very large gong.’

Festival organisers have since cancelled the entire acoustic stage.

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