Swearing that he is going to join the gym, start biking to work (a 46-mile round trip), jogging weekends, and eating only salad on weeknights, coworker Presh Donahue sighed deeply and let his hands fall listlessly on his belly as the other members of the Thursday-morning carpool fell silent.

Noticing the silence and looking fiercely around, Presh said, ‘I’ve been swiped left for the last time.’

Rumor has it that Presh has not been getting a lot of traction in his love life despite having joined Matched, Kinder, LOLCupid, Unhinge, Bubbler, Grendel, Plenty of Corn, and more than ten other lesser-known dating websites/apps.

‘He has really stepped up his online presence, I’ll admit,’ coworker Kathy Miller confided in Gorko reporters, ‘but ultimately people are going to want pictures,’ and that is where Presh reportedly gets tangled in the web of half-truths that are his vital stats.

Doing a bit of undercover work, we stalked Presh on Plenty of Corn, a free dating site that brought up a Presh Donahue in Peoria: 6 foot 1, 185 lbs, blond hair, soft brown eyes, fit/rugged body type, no profile pic.

We swiped left.

Presh’s original profile pic, since deleted

‘I just want to be swiped right,’ Presh was heard mumbling by the water cooler. ‘Just swipe me right.’

‘He is a great office mate,’ remarked another of Presh’s carpool pals, on condition of anonymity (it’s Michael from London), ‘but if you ONLY try to connect with the hottest women on the internet, well luck to you.’

The Gorko will continue to report on Presh’s progress in the game of dating.

Abs photo by Charles Gaudreault on Unsplash; gym photo by Jelmer Assink on Unsplash