Citing evidence of rising irritability, indigestion and even domestic violence in the Peoria suburb of Sandalot (whose neighbourhood shield features Sir Sandalot and of course Lady Guinkalot), a recent study claims to have linked the symptoms of unrest to unhealthy levels of consumption of real-life news articles and TV.

‘The real news often displays a hyper-obsession with misfortune and disaster that revels in the misery of human loss and the manufacture of class-based scarcity,’ the understated copy read, ‘whereas fake news sources such as The Gorko Gazette and The Whole Wheat Times attempt to deflect negative emotion and stop murder by making light of human existence, good or bad, and lighting candles of hope, as it were.’

Whereas is a word that means while.

The article goes on to cite a number of Gorko news items that could help your digestion:

Gorko: Cancer cancelled

Actual article: Carcinogens on the rise in nation’s bottled milk

Gorko: Man strikes woman in subway with his smile and vice versa

Actual article: 26 yo dropout slays 45 in shooting spree at 3 separate Burger Kings

Gorko: This is 1984, happy birthday!

Actual article: This is 2021, get your cell phone accessories

Gorko: ‘Childhood’s End’ by Arthur C. Clark starts tomorrow, adios imbeciles

Actual article: Congress votes to increase drone attacks everywhere

Gorko: Scientology releases records, wives from The Pit

Actual article: 75 drink Kool-aid in ritual suicide pact

Gorko: US bombs the f*ck out of everywhere with biodegradable condoms, green pop-up houses

Actual article: US uses real bombs to murder and spread hatred and chaos

Gorko: People replaced by youtube cat videos, which one are you?

Actual article: Jeff is still your shitty neighbor

Gorko: East Peoria gala perfect mix of celebrity, pretzels and spontaneous art

Actual article: East Peoria sinks into a flaming pit of sulfur, hundreds sprout horns

Gorko: Sweatpants now mandatory

Actual article: Fall business attire snazzy, overpriced

Gorko: Snakes and Ladders Death Round X to determine Senate midterm victor, as Sen-D and Sen-R strap on battleaxes and plunge grimly into undergrowth

Actual article: People are still voting for Democrats and Republicans

Gorko: Kraft macaroni and cheese now tastes like heaven to grown men and women and we have achieved The Singularity

Actual article: Spruce up your lunches with a little arugula

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash