So you want to be a grocery clerk, but then so do the other 200 people in Alta who have been laid off from well-paying jobs in the last year. You know you have the skills, the expertise and the experience to be the best grocery clerk in Peoria, so get ready to ace the interview with these 5 easy tips.
1. Dress to impress
Make sure your apron strings and shoelaces are firmly tied, and mask up, champ, but don’t mumble.
2. Know your employer
Before the interview put on your best clothes, dark glasses, a fake moustache and go shopping at Schuck’s. Observe how the manager walks, how she talks, and how she shouts at the employees. If necessary, write down all of the demeaning menial tasks you will be forced to do if you wish to remain employed at Schuck’s. Before the interview, memorize the list so you can tell the interviewer the things you know — and love — to do as a grocery clerk.
3. Be ready to ask intelligent questions, such as What if there is an avalanche and we all get buried in here? At least we won’t starve, right?
Don’t be the passive candidate at the job interview of your life! Take control by asking about procedural responses to common disaster scenarios such as dumpster fires, earthquakes and live shooters.
4. Provide a copy of your resume
Not your real resume, dummy, one that shows your work experience in grocery store chains in a different time zone, with at least 2 fake references.
5. That’s it!
Got you! You thought there were 5 tips, but all you need are the 4 you’ve already mastered! So get out there today and show them who’s grocery clerk numero uno, buckeroo.
IN CASE YOU ARE INTERESTED…
‘We knew from cave paintings and a triangulation of the surrounding mountain peaks, and local legend, of the flying pyramid’s approximate location,’ the doughty explorer and one-time Olympic track star told reporters from the pyramid’s cockpit. ‘What surprised us was that this lady was using the nose of the ship for one end of her clothesline.’