NO TOMMY NOT THE strawberry chipotle HAIL CAESAR! SCREAMED BABY JANE, BUT TOO LATE
It is what you always suspected growing up in the Midwest: more than 65% of all raunchy salad dressings you were encouraged to dump on top of your salads as a child are in fact deadly poison, according to a recent study. Here are The Gorko‘s top three picks.
ALOHA TROPICAL MANGO MASH
Sweet and creamy, made from 100% all-natural tropical mangos, this salad dressing will choke a kid out in under 60 seconds.
CREAMY HONEY MUSTARD AND NUT DRESSING
This salad dressing is notorious among Peoria ten-and-unders for causing children’s eyeballs to literally pop out of their heads. Massive hemorraging, organ failure, and death soon follow.
PEANUT & GINGER SHRIMP DELITE DRESSING
This widowmaker of salad dressings, if children could get married, has been linked to more under-aged deaths in Peoria than any single other salad dressing since 1985. Laced with subtle tones of rhubarb with the ginger kick coming out last, many kids only know that their end has come when it is too late.