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by thegorkogazette

WHEN CATS GO BATS: HOW TO SURVIVE A MOUNTAIN LION ATTACK

According to GorkoFacks International, an international fack-finding firm established sometime before 1994, the chances of encountering a mountain lion in the wild are approximately 1 in 10 thousand while wearing their patented Pumaway! sweatbands. But what if you leave your Pumaway! gear at home? What if you are out jogging with grandmother, who refuses to wear hers, fearing rashes? What if the Pumaway! chemical agent is expired, and the mountain lion attacks despite you doing the also patented Pumaway! Twist™? Below you will find The Gorko’s time-tested When Cats Go Bats tips.

WHEN CATS GO BATS: RATS!

Although it is statistically more likely that you trip on a mouse and fall into some poison sumac and then die of embarrassment than that you suffer a fatal mountain lion attack, these very basic tips will greatly increase your safety from large carnivores, including velociraptors and sasquatch, when in the forest.

Travel in large groups MADE UP OF THE elderly, very young, or BADLY wounded

Surround yourself with the weak and slow of your family or friend herd. Do not hesitate to offer that mountain lion grandparents, children, or people on crutches. Then run for your life.

PANIC

Mountain lions more frequently show disgust than curiosity when people up and lose their shit in their forest, and often just melt back into the ferns when they see that kind of non-combatant, rather than tenderizing their thighs with their massive jaws.

ROLL INTO A FETAL POSITION AND PRAY

Throw yourself onto the ground, roll tightly into a ball, making sure your “yummy chicken fingers” cover the base of your skull, and pray. Many mountain lions respond to western religions, and can hear human thoughts. You will know you are safe when, after sniffing you all over, they begin to purr.

TAKE OFF ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES

Well…anyway this is what we do when we are anxious.

MAKE IT BREAKFAST IN BED

A surprisingly large number of hikers disturb mountain lions in the mountain lions’ own territorial range or even lair. Make that lion mountain a nice three-course breakfast with food out of your pack! Then back slowly away. After all, you don’t want to end up as dessert.

Foto de Priscilla Du Preez en Unsplash

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