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Disturbing if true, a new survey by the Gorko True Facks Committee has brought to light new evidence that 3 men you already know would happily play Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof if it meant their favorite NFL team could win the Super Bowl.

UNCLE TOBY

A long-time Dallas Cowboys fan, Uncle Toby freely admitted his willingness to play Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, or even Chava, Tevye’s shy and bookish daughter who falls in love with Fyedka, if only the ‘Lone Star Studs’ could win the Super Bowl.

‘For me, well, I wouldn’t holler, If he were as handsome as anything. Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match, Find me a find, Catch me a catch, Night after night in the dark I’m alone, So find me match, Of my own,’ sang Uncle Toby, according to GTFC chairperson Nadira.

Uncle Tevye

That is correct, just as you’d have it, Uncle Tevye, the world’s most patient and longsuffering Cincinnati Bengals fan, would have no problem playing his namesake Tevye in an amateur production of Fiddler on the Roof, just for another crack at those pesky Rams of LA in this year’s Super Bowl.

‘Well, somebody has to arrange the matches, Young people can’t decide these things themselves,’ sang Uncle Tevye with a shrug and a wink.

THE MILKMAN

The milkman shares a nearly equally burning hatred of two things in this Land of the Free: Tom Brady, and high school musicals. ‘Oh but there is no doubt in my mind on this one,’ the milkman commented, stuffing his shirt back into his postal pants, ‘I would play Tevye in a second in some shitty high school or even middle school production of Fiddler on the Roof if it meant the Jets could win the Super Bowl.’

He sang, ‘Hodel, oh Hodel, Have I made a match for you! He’s handsome, he’s young! Alright, he’s 62. But he’s a nice man, a good catch, true?’

TGG

Photo by Johnny Williams on Unsplash