FROM THE GORKO BIGFOOT SPECIAL
From high in the Uinta Mountains, a common belief is being challenged by a usually quiet humanoid. ‘It’s all a misconception, and it’s as simple as that,’ stated the feminine, yet frightening voice. Speaking from the shadows of the forest, Sassy, a seven-and-a-half-foot, hairy, ape-like creature, known as Bigfoot, said she has had enough of the fallacies of her kind not being real.
‘Step on my foot, and I’ll scream. Punch me, and I’ll rip you in half,’ she said. ‘I’m as real as a camper’s forgotten smoldering campfire, or as obvious as a metallic disk flying through the clouds.’
Word had gotten out to Sassy that more and more mountaineers have started categorizing Bigfoot in the same group as global warming or a staged moon landing. ‘I pulled up NBC News on my Jitterbug, and I saw a picture of the legendary Patterson filmed Bigfoot, Patty, next to melting ice caps and Niel Armstrong. ‘What the pine nuts is that all about?’ I said to myself. Then I conducted half an hour of tree knocking and campsite raiding.’
Even though the public appears to be losing its faith in the legendary creature, Sassy says she, as well as other Squatches from across the continent, will stand steadfast in their unyielding dedication to prove that they are real. ‘As long as there is just one happy camper wetting themselves at the thought of us, we won’t fade away into obscurity like the Macarena, or that misrepresenting YouTuber – Chewbacca Mom.’
‘We’ll continue to stalk hunters, throw skunks inside camp trailers, and steal cooling pies from window sills,’ Sassy stated between mimicking owl hoots with other hairy creatures from further in the forest. ‘You’re in my house now, fool, and we’ll scare you into next Thursday just to remind you of that.’
When asked why one of their kind won’t just take a Zoom call with the Pope or climb the Empire State Building to bring attention to their realness, Sassy quickly responded by stating, ‘We don’t do that crap. You want drama? Turn on your damn TV. Watch King Kong or Easter Mass. Why should we have to prove ourselves? You’re the fake one. This interview is over.’
Even though the interview wasn’t over, Sassy stepped out of the tree line just enough to show off her ripped calves and glutes. She concluded by stating, ‘Don’t believe everything you see, but watch out for that tree.’ She then pushed over a quaking aspen and vanished into the woods.
As soon as she was gone, she returned and asked if she could ‘bum a ride’ to the next mountain over so she could visit her boyfriend, Barry. No word yet on whether or not public opinion will be swayed on the reality of Bigfoot, or if Sassy and Barry will tie the knot.
This is a developing story.
more bigfoot? why yes
Bigfoot sketch by Colin Gee
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
J.B. (@_JBDavis_) has written for a handful of humorous sites while also writing and producing for his podcast, The Jesting Journal. When he’s not writing, he can be found in a tree in his backyard eating from a can of SpaghettiOs.