ARE YOU THE SEX GRINCH? A HOLIDAY GUIDE

It is that time of the year again, when the weather turns chilly and the outfits very well may include furry things called muffs, and we are almost forced to stand back and take a good long look at our own sex lives for the first time in a year. While most of your friends and coworkers are probably 100% satisfied with their sex life, that is not the case for you. And although it may come as a surprise, that very well may be because YOU ARE THE SEX GRINCH. Check out The Gorko‘s checklist for finding out if YOU are the sex grinch in this holiday, one-size-fits-all guide!

VOCABULARY MATTERS!

Do you often say, Humbug! or Hate, hate, hate! or NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE! in unlineated, standard language? You might be the sex grinch! Try speaking in rhyme this holiday season.

DO YOU HATE WEDNESDAYS?

A true sex grinch will snarl with a sneer to themself, every time Wednesday approaches, and with it the inevitable business time, ‘Tomorrow is Wednesday! It’s practically here!’ Maybe try doing it on Thursdays instead, or with a mug of root beer!

WATCH YOUR DIET

Would you feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast, or is that something that you (the sex grinch) cannot stand in the least? Branch out beyond the standard edible fruitcake-flavored panties this holiday season. Try the roast-beast whipped cream spray, maybe you’ll like it!

DO YOU HATE MUSIC?

Me too! We are the sex grinches. We must stop the Christmas XXX before we burst! Or we might try just whistling a carol, just a stanza at first.

DO YOU HAVE A DOG CALLED MAX WHOM YOU DRESS AS A REINDEER?

Is your poor dog’s name Max? Do you dress up as an anti-Chippendale, put a [horn] on Max’s little head, and force him to pull your prudish dark sleigh? This year why not let Max off his lead, and introduce him to Muffins the adorable Bichon Frisebreed!

DO YOU TAKE THEIR SEX TOYS?

If you ride that black sleigh through the sky on XXXmas Eve night, taking back all the presents, in and out through the flue? The sex grinch is probably you! Put back those [pop guns] and [roller skates] and [drums, checkerboards, tricycles, popcorn] and [plums]!

Foto de Chad Madden en Unsplash