Are you at your wit’s end trying to find something affordable and fun to do in your free time in Peoria that is NOT a hot yoga session with Uncle Toby? Well look no further, because the new Polkakraut For Adult Beginners class I joined recently is the craziest fun of my life, and educational! And the best thing is that, get this, it is only costing me 35 dollars a class, plus BYO cabbage!
CONTRARY TO POPULAR LEGEND, POLKAKRAUT IS NOT JUST PEOPLE DANCING WITH CABBAGES
A common misconception is that Polkakraut (invented by Harry Polk, a Cleveland native, in 1875) is a bizarre dance form in which participants must perform complicated 2/4 steps while embracing cabbages. That would be crazy!
POLKAKRAUT IS THE EXHILARATING, BEAUTIFUL PLACE WHERE HARDCORE POLKA AND SAUERKRAUT PREP MEET
Polkakraut is defined as ‘the art in which a group of people, steps synchronized to loud 2/4 tuba music, prepare large batches of sauerkraut for the winter’ (Laws of Polkakraut by Harry Polka). Its Peoria incarnation involves live polka music, talented choreography instructors, and of course extremely sharp knives.
You have to watch your eyes, and in the beginner classes everyone is required to wear puffy full-length coats (provided by the school) to protect from stabbings. My class partner Jill Hobson was stabbed in the back and neck area 45 times last Tuesday, and only found out about it afterwards!
Jill said, ‘I would compare Polkakraut to paintball. It is great exercise!’
POLKAKRAUT IS NOT A SPORT, IT IS AN ART
If you really want to get the old-timers’ backs up about Polkakraut, go and call it a sport. You had better be wearing your Polkakraut jacket is all I have to say!
‘Polkakraut is not a sport, that is too vulgar a term for something as beautiful as synchronized kraut prep,’ said local Polkakraut choreographer Sven Hassel from his easychair recliner by the window, through which we are forced to pass his pizzas and IV bags. ‘When you consider the tradition, the garments, the clothing, and the culinary triumph of a truly good session of Polkakraut, there is no comparing it to American football.’
Sven received his Master of Fine Polkakraut Degree from Banstard’s College in Milkwood, Indiana in 1975 and has been polkakrauting professionally ever since. He is the founder of Peoria’s only Polkakraut institute, Polka’s Kraut, where would-be polkakrauters are invited to sign up for a free beginner’s instructional session, held the first Tuesday of every leap year in October, without fail.
Image generated on Stable Diffusion 2- 1
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