This summer at the public pool do not make a fool of yourself and become the laughingstock of Peoria by standing by and watching helplessly while some little kid drowns in the deep end. Ignore your bottomfeeder, swim with the current, herd of cattle instinct and swing into decisive action in role of unofficial lifeguard and save a little kid’s life, Passive Patty! Here are three situations to look out for.
KIDS WHO PRETEND TO WALK BUT ARE ACTUALLY RUNNING
If you see any little shit moving too fast across the deck to get back to the high dive, put out your cigarette and shift the Bud Lite to your left hand so you can yank that kid’s stupid trunks down, and save a life. THE SIGNS ARE THERE FOR A REASON.
You will know the secret pisser because it comes to a sudden stop in the water, with a far-away look in its eye. Splash it immediately with the entire contents of your blue margarita.
These are children who are drowning. Too bad for those kids! They should have never gotten into the pool in the first place. DO NOT attempt to get close or save them, they will only pull you under. Save yourself, and live to guard lives another day.
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