AND 2 OTHER MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT FESTIVITIES IN CELEBRATION OF THE CONQUEST OF ITTY BITTY COUNTRIES
YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 21 YEARS OF AGE TO READ THIS ARTICLE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BECAUSE SO THERE
When it came time for Atlantic City’s own Jerzy Spiffanny to toast the conquest of Tabitha Fourwok-Dewitt, Mediterranean princess and bride-to-be of his brother Scruggs ‘Spats’ Spiffanny, who had recently conquered her heart and nation-sized person, he was appalled to see he had been given a light Tempier Smurfwing Chateau bubbly rosé rather than the traditional champagne, and the ensuing uproar led to one of the most infamous disasters on the 1956 organized crime wedding circuit.
This, however, is 2026, and the very idea that champagne is necessary for toasts at a wedding or after the conquest of a minor European nation has been sleeping with the fishes for many years.
People like bubbles, and they enjoy saying the word bubbly as they stand there in their slacks and skirts, so give them some if you want, but consider making it a prosecco or cava, English chard, or even something light and pink from Smurfwing Chateau, who are still producing very fine bottles at accessible prices.
If the nation is a fairly large one, however, or indeed France, champagne may indeed be expected.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT HUZZAH AND THROW YOUR TRICORNERED HATS IN THE AIR AFTER THE DEFEAT OF A MINOR EUROPEAN NATION
The tradition of throwing hats in the air has been considered unnecessary and even gauche since the early days of the Hat Recession, when it was calculated that too many hats were being stuck in trees and rooftops, getting stepped on and crushed in the mud, or simply disappearing into the crowd after the conquest of minor European nations. The practice has not been revived by any conquering heroes that The Gorko is aware of.
If the minor nation is Russia, you may throw your hats in the air.
THERE IS NO NEED FOR TUXEDOS AS YOU CELEBRATE YOUR CONQUEST OF A MINOR EUROPEAN NATION
Tuxedos are outrageously expensive, often uncomfortable, and make you look like a waiter. Who is going to be waiting on who at this party, after all, yourself or the minor European nation? You deserve to be comfortable and respected. Say no to tuxes.
If the conquered minor European nation insists on wearing a tuxedo to the celebration, gently remind them that they have been conquered and guide them politely but firmly to the swatch book, with majordomo Tony.
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