BREAKING: Oh My Fucking God. God No. Oh Holy Fuck. God Fucking Damn It.

BY JONNY BOLDUC

LEWISTON—What the fuck? Really? How did…why would he..? Jesus Christ. What are we going to do? Does anyone else know he did this? No? You haven’t told anyone else? God. God damn it. It doesn’t make any sense. How did he even get the keys to the minivan?

How much money did he spend at Panera? Oh my God. We’re so fucked. What are we going to do? We were supposed to go on vacation this month. There’s no fucking way we can pay for that. Christ on a stick.

What the hell. He’s a DOG for christ sake. What do we do now? Where is he? Is he in prison? Do you know what they set his bail at? Oh my God. Holy hell. I don’t even make that in a month. What the fuck. No. This can’t be real. Our dog did this? Scout?

Oh no. Oh no. There’s a news van outside. Close the blinds. Fuck. What the fuck are we going to do? No, that won’t work. We’re broke. He drained our savings account before he stole the minivan. What? Are you kidding me? Let me look at that. Oh everloving mother of fuck. He took out a credit card in my name six months ago. My credit is fucking nuked. There’s no way we can take out a loan. Why would he do this? Jesus Christ. He’s a fucking Golden Retriever.

THREE DEAD GIRL SCOUTS? Please God no. This is a goddamn nightmare.