BY IZZY ASTUTO
On June 5th, 2023, Kevin O’Leary, also known as Shark Tank’s Mr. Wonderful, was murdered in cold blood in front of his four co-stars and ABC’s film crew.
A man who introduced himself as Phillip Wilson walked onto the set of Shark Tank at 2:32 PM with the rest of the day’s guests. At the time, he was treated just like all the rest, but after the murder, producers confirmed they had no record of him whatsoever. Mark Burnett, the show’s lead producer, said, ‘Each entrepreneur has to go through months of background checks, mainly to determine the quality of their business and if there’s any point to having them meet with the sharks. I have no clue how that bastard was allowed on set.’
When it was his turn to enter the ‘tank,’ he walked on as if he were any other contestant. Confusion slowly filled the room, as no one on the crew could seem to remember what this man’s product was. However, amidst the confusion, the show continued.
Right off the bat, Wilson marked himself as a unique contestant, explaining that he had come on to sell his whole business, a 100% stake, for a measly $100,000. Before the Sharks could begin to question the outrageous decision, he asked if he could explain the product first. After sharing some confused glances, they agreed, intrigued. Wilson’s immediate charisma going into the pitch quickly made him a much more typical Shark Tank business owner, as he began to describe how it was becoming more and more necessary for everyday citizens to have ways to defend themselves. The Sharks nodded along, laughing when appropriate, and curiously looking over at the usually highly decorated corner where Wilson’s product lay. Instead of posters for Cat Amazing or pictures of some new health food, there was only a large, black tarp covering whatever Wilson was leading up to. The Sharks began their banter, teasing Wilson about what could be under the sheet. Mark Cuban remarked, ‘For that valuation, I’d buy pretty much whatever you have under that thing!’ In retrospect, crew members on set recall a smirk settling across Wilson’s face after that statement, especially when O’Leary nodded along.
After some more poking and prodding for the audience’s enjoyment, Wilson finally acquiesced. With a flourish, he whipped off the tarp to reveal, to most everyone’s shock and horror, a gun.
Before security could react, O’Leary himself barked out a laugh. In his now famous last words, he asked, ‘Who let Kimmel back in here? Jimmy, is that you under that toupee?’ referring to Wilson’s dreadful flop of hair, standing out amongst the rest of his otherwise unremarkable features, and Jimmy Kimmel’s past surprise, disguised visits on the show.
‘No Kevin, it’s not,’ Wilson responded, before picking up the rifle, shooting O’Leary directly in the forehead, and letting it clatter to the floor. He let out an inhuman screech that shattered all of the cameras in the room into thousands of pieces as if they were glass, before, as director Ken Fuchs describes it, ‘melting into a puddle of red goo on the floor around the gun.’
Fellow Shark Lori Greiner’s shrill scream broke the stunned silence on the set, and everyone burst into action. While all footage is lost due to Wilson’s supernatural destruction of all the video equipment, many remember the next hour as utter chaos, with no one on set being qualified to handle such a situation.
Many do mention the other Sharks’ reactions: Greiner reduced to sobs in her seat, Robert Herjavec attempting to comfort her while on the verge of a breakdown himself, Barbara Corcoran screeching at crew members to ‘Do something!’ and ‘Call the fucking police!’, and, perhaps the strangest of all, Cuban, who stared into space for a while before slowly getting up, walking over to the fallen gun covered in whatever unknown slime Wilson had turned into, and beginning to cackle uncontrollably, shouting, ‘It’s Oswald’s fucking gun!’
After inspection, police did confirm the gun was a 6.5mm Carcano Model 91/38 Carbine, which was the very same Lee Harvey Oswald used to assassinate President John F. Kennedy.
There has been no progress made on the identity, motive, or any personal information regarding Wilson. The goo left on the floor is still unidentifiable, matching no substances that it has been tested against and containing no DNA of any kind.
Shark Tank is currently on hiatus, with no announcement of a return date. A public funeral for O’Leary is scheduled to be aired on ABC this weekend.
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Izzy Astuto (they/he) is a writer currently majoring in Creative Writing at Emerson College. His work has previously been published by Hearth and Coffin and Renesme Literary, amongst others. They are currently a Poetry Reader for hand picked poetry. Their Instagram is izzyastuto2.0.
Image created on Stable Diffusion 2- 1
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