Just about packed for your upcoming 2,100 kilometer solo crossing of the Artic Ocean? Well if you are still using your grandparents’ traditional handheld pyrotechnic red flares to signal distress, you had better think again! Here are 3 of the internet’s sexiest distress signals, all personally tested by Gorko reporters in the Gorko Arctic Laboratory outside of Peoria!
FLAME-BUOYANT RAINBOW SMOKE SIGNAL
Not only can you save your freezing ass while stranded on heavy-duty ice somewhere SE of Severnaya Zemlya and wow your Russian rescue pilot, you can represent in the process, with Acme’s own Buoyant Rainbow Smoke Canisters, available in 3 different hues: Classic Protest, Mid-Nineties, or Simply Fabulous. Recommended only for daytime use.
CHOTCHKIE’S GUARANTEED FOR WORK ‘E-FLAIR’
This is the only e-flare available so self-expressive and flamboyant that it is actually spelled E-Flair! Chotchkie’s E-Flair is so outrageously kitsch that it will instantly catch the eye of ANY circling chopper pilot, and only requires 2 double-A batteries for 12 hours of operation! A minimum purchase of 15 pieces of E-Flair is necessary.
ARTICYCLE UNICYCLE
The Arcticycle Unicycle is not only the sturdiest of its type, built to roll smoothly across up to 100 km of the roughest ridged ice floes, it has been proven to be irrisistible to the very King of the Arctic, the Ursus Maritimus, or polar bear! Smeared with a special long-lasting scent that is guaranteed to attract polar bears from as far as 8 km away, what do you think would be more likely to catch the eye of a roaming aerial rescue team than a comically huge bear trundling across the ice on a unicycle? Don’t leave Mother Russia without one!
Image generated on Stable Diffusion
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