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‘Retirement’ Speech

Friends, colleagues … thank you so much for being here this afternoon and for celebrating my retirement with me. I am honored by your presence, by the decorations you’ve set up, and by this beautiful card you’ve all signed. Please know that the kind words you’ve all written mean a great deal to me. I am sure that I will remember all of you, for a long, long time to come.

Thank you also for this very expensive-looking watch. With all these buttons and dials, I’m guessing that I’ll be able to tell the time, listen to FM radio, get driving directions to my new Florida condo, and probably even shoot lasers once I figure out how to use it.

As most of you know, I’ve been working at Durst & Sons for over 22 years. I started out as a part-time accountant and leave you today as the VP for Business Development. During my years here, I’ve learned so much about corporate accounting, about the needs of our clients, and about all of you. For my parting words, I’d like to share some of my thoughts and observations about the people of Durst & Sons, about all of you. I am hoping that you will welcome my comments, though I know that won’t be the case for everyone.

First, I’d like to say a few words about Randy and our underappreciated facilities crew. I’m very pleased you could sneak away from the office, Randy, and enjoy some of this champagne. I have long been impressed with your work ethic and the camaraderie you have with your team. You are a highly effective manager and it is clear that you care about the success of Durst & Sons Accounting. Your attention to both the appearance and the functionality of our building has contributed to our strong reputation and I am sure you are not being paid what you are truly worth to our organization.

Charlotte, I could make the same sort of comments about you and the IT Department. You and your team work very hard keeping up with the accounting industry’s ever-changing technology tools, along with the sometimes quirky technology demands of our clients. I know that it has been challenging trying to teach a bunch of “old dogs,” like me, how to use the new systems, abide by the new cybersecurity regulations, and even keep track of our passwords. You deserve less hassle and much more praise than you’ve received.

Third, I’d like to share my observations about Marjorie, Brandon, Juliette and the entire operations team. I think you all know that Durst & Sons operates as efficiently as we do because of these ladies (and one gentleman). Your problem-solving skills, your attention to detail, your flexibility, and your perseverance are on display pretty much every day of the week, from when you first arrive in the morning to when you leave, often well after 5:00 pm. Your technical skills with our database and scheduling software, and your soft skills … often smoothing the feathers of upset clients … have been integral to our business’ growth. My only constructive feedback for the group of you is to be more like ducks. You need to let the petty slights and injustices, from each other and from upper management, roll off your backs like water off a duck. In my opinion, you all get too caught up in looking for and finding unfairness when life is inherently unfair, and when the behavior that upsets you is more often than not an oversight or a misspoken word caused by overwork and/or another’s personal stress … and has nothing to do with you! I am thinking of you especially, Marjorie. You need to chill the fuck out.

Fourth, I’d like to share some thoughts about our Business Development team. You are my guys and gals and you are so good at what you do! Your energy levels, competitive spirit, and willingness to do whatever it takes to identify new clients are all very impressive. You understand that it takes time to develop quality relationships with corporate stake-holders and you willingly put in that time, often at over 60 hours per week. You are thoroughly knowledgeable about Durst & Sons’ competitive advantages and have an unending supply of stories of how we compare favorably to the competition. And, as is usually true with highly effective salespeople, you all sure do know how to schmooze! But, and you must have known there was a “but” coming, you guys are absolutely miserable to each other. Except maybe for Mabel, it seems that none of you know how to speak a kind word to a colleague, how to admit when you’ve made a mistake, how to take a step back to breath and enjoy the company of others … without harping on each other. You act like insecure first graders most of the time! I truly hope that you don’t treat your loved ones like you treat each other, though I suspect you do. Greg, sorry to say that you are the #1 asshole among your peers. Terri, I strongly recommend you make sure that Greg never marries your daughter.

Lastly, I’d like to comment on my peers in upper management. I’d like to say a few words about you … Brad, Marsha, Bo, Grace and Carlos. I see you over there by the cash bar, wondering whether you should excuse yourself to go to the bathroom … well, you are stuck now and you have to hear me out. I’d like to say to each of you that I have long been impressed with your dedication to Durst & Sons. I know that your commitment to this work, and to meeting the needs of our clients, is genuine. I have marveled, on many occasions, over your talent for going that extra mile for clients and for finding creative, often brilliant, solutions to client concerns. All of us here at Durst & Sons have benefited from your collective wisdom, extensive personal connections, and unparalleled knowledge of our industry. Unfortunately, despite all of your talents and experience, you act like such dicks to your fellow employees! Being arrogant is one thing (you have many good reasons to think highly of yourselves), but the five of you act like your parents never taught you manners, or human decency. You don’t pick up your coffee cups and donut boxes after meetings. You can’t remember the names of the employees working in your divisions. You yell at your Admins for coming in three minutes late but never seem to recognize when they stay an extra hour, or two. Except for Marsha, you talk about the women in this office as if you were rating a parade of show dogs. You have a penchant for using colorfully rude language in public spaces, especially Marsha. You can’t even seem to park within the lines of your reserved parking spaces! Frankly, it has been an embarrassment to be counted among Durst & Sons’ Leadership Team these past five years.

Given the observations and personal feelings I’ve been sharing with you, it may not surprise you to learn that I am technically not retiring today. In fact, I’ve just signed a three-year contract to work over at C&J Accounting, for three days per week and working remotely during the winter months. I am planning to bring several of our biggest clients along with me. If any of you want to join me, despite my brutally honest comments today, please let me know … they are hiring and they will almost certainly treat you more kindly than you’ve been treated here at Durst & Sons.

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ABOUT bob gielow

A college administrator by day, Bob Gielow (he/him) spins tales in formats we all use when communicating with each other: text messages, emails, fictional Wikipedia posts, and diary entries all allow him to be clinical and thorough in describing his characters, their thinking and actions … without diminishing his ability to explore the resulting human emotions.