WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM
Well the in-laws are at it again, making demands on your time and attention, and irritating the neighborhood with their ludicrous politics. The whole situation came to a head, however, when the in-laws announced they were planning a family reunion for July that would feature the Peoria people, New Orleans nephews, Wichita weirdos, and (hard shudder) the Clarksville cousins. There was only one conclusion you could have possibly come to, and that was to find some miracle ointments to rub on these preposterous personas. Here are three of The Gorko’s favorite ointments for in-laws.
THE LEMONGRASS CHIRPETY-CHIRP OINTMENT
You may be familiar with the expression chirp from the vernacular wordhoard of American ice hockey, as in Oh yah dem boys stertin to cherp hard, Bill, which is to say You are correct, William, hockey players from opposite teams in this match are beginning to make strong remarks about speed, skill, strength, intelligence, or other characteristics traditionally prized in the sport. But this ointment does nothing for your hockey skills. Rather, according to Gorko Life Doctor Lemongrass Riley (CHt, CHom), the chirpety-chirp ointment simply renders the patient incapable of human speech for several hours, during which time a common side effect is a case of the chirps, or birdsong.
Completely safe, hilarious to watch, and highly recommended. Always follow recommended dosages. External application only.
THE PINOCCHIO OINKMENT™
Wouldn’t it be great if that great political analyst, Uncle Toby, simply turned into a pig, snout and all, and started rooting around in shit in the backyard? Well look no further than Truffle Laboratories’ latest metamorphic ointment, The Pinocchio Oinkment™. Using recommended hand protection, simply daub a bit on the back of Uncle Toby’s neck or arm, and get him off that soapbox!
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF REPUBLICANS.
weightless ointment
Adios Madre Laboratory’s latest release is more permanent than many other in-law ointments. In fact, this one should be called Murder In The First. With simply a touch your nasty in-laws will become instantly detached from the earth’s gravitational field, and float up, up, and out of your family picnics forever.
OUTDOOR USE ONLY. FOR TEMPORARY APPLICATION PLEASE SEE INSTRUCTIONS FOR: ADULT LEG TETHER.
Images generated on neural.love
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