Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Lupita von Barge from Alaska, Ontario texts:
Lemondrop, I need your help. In the last twenty-four hours I have finally admitted to myself that I am attracted to (God forgive me) my husband’s father’s cousin’s wife’s tennis pro’s daughter’s best friend’s therapist’s great niece’s third cousin, and due to the law of six degrees of separation, may in fact be in grave danger of committing incest. What if this charming, witty, handsome third cousin of the stupid therapist’s niece’s niece is in fact my great uncle, or possibly even Rafael, my actual first cousin? His name after all IS Rafael. Please please SOS send help Lemon.
Lemon replies:
If this is a clumsy and shameless attempt at trying to justify your strange relationship with your first cousin Rafael B., Guadalupe, I am going to be forced to contact your husband, as well as cut you off from further Life Doctor services, since we know that your decade-long infatuation with the whatever removed cousin from your Dr. Linda’s niece’s niece is the same person. Furthermore, while Rafael was extremely handsome in his early thirties, he has since gone completely to pot, and last time I saw him looked like he got run over by his own riding lawnmower. I know the business about him being your cousin because if you do not recall I looked it up on ancestry dot com in 2017, at your own behest. If you have come off your meds, that is the Lemondrop Tincture of Potassium #893, or need cash, I think you should talk to your husband, or else sell one of your properties in York Mills. All best, Lemon OUT.
Brandon (again) writing this time from ‘somewhere deep in Mexico’ writes:
Hola Lemon, I am writing this time from somewhere deep inside Mexico, location undisclosed, though if you change your mind and decide to meet me for the wild time of your life it is the Flamingo Resort in Vallarta, that is the all-inclusive NOT the hour-rate motel. Ask for Francois, the alias under which I am now living, speaking only to the maitre-dee Paco Hernandez. Meanwhile you can think about your actions and the assassination attempt that you somehow survived, I discover, you dirty dirty bird. How does it feel to be sniped at instead of being the sniper for a change, to be prey instead of hunter, the bull instead of the matador? I have since fired Mr. Gomez the gardener, for though he took the money he was no killer, not the trained professional he claimed. Yet let none of this come between us and our love, my beautiful, lemon-scented friend. A one-way ticket to Mexico is enclosed, along with the spent shell casings that nearly cost you a paradise.
Obediently yours, Francois
Lemon replies:
As I am unaware of any attempt on my life, Brandon, I shall assume it is another delusion your dissident mind has cooked up in an attempt to obfuscate your uninvited and unwanted appearance at my Lemon Sings! gala event in February, in which you insulted several of my close friends, attempted to hit me with one of your shoes, and fell across the cake before being escorted from the premises. Did you use crayon to make this airline ticket? Even if I did attempt to board and meet you in Mexico, I doubt I would be allowed to get on the plane.
Please, for your sake and others, take a long swim into the Pacific as soon as possible.
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