Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Lupita von Barge from Tupelo writes:
Dear Lemon Riley,
My dh (dear husband) of 9 years recently joined an internet group of ‘fiction writers’ who share their little stories with each other, post advice for what magazines to submit their atrocious little tales to, and have darling little code words for everything. Instead of saying EXCITED, for example, they say CHUFFED, and my dh has started using that word all the time, and I am about ready to murder him. It is CHUFFED this and CHUFFED that. ‘Lupita, I am so chuffed about Taco Tuesday,’ he will exclaim, not knowing how close he is to having a very bad day! What should I do with him?
Lemon replies:
Barge right into my inbox, Guadalupe, please. Ronald Gringerblaad and I are also in the Fiction Writers Group of Peoria online chat, and I must say we were extremely chuffed when your husband Daryl joined. His writing is so salacious! And there are things we now know about you that would cause this column to be canceled faster than a seaman on the town in Memphis. Our advice is to let Daryl enjoy his stag party — after all, there are far worse things that a man could get up to: rock climbing, firearms and flags, fast food, or even Satanic cults.
Lupita von Barge (a different Lupita von Barge, this one from South Peoria) writes:
Hi Lemon,
Ever since I bought him the jean jacket for his birthday in June, my boyfriend Dicky has been pretending to be Charles Bronson. He bought himself some snakeskin boots and keeps saying, ‘You believe in Jesus? Well you’re gona meet him!’ to our parakeet Samson. Poor Samson has never even been to church! Should I hide the jacket and boots, or do you think this is just another one of Dicky’s phases?
Lemon replies:
Ah yes, the infamous Charles Bronson phase is a particularly difficult one for many young couples to overcome. It was first documented by Dr. Spelbriar in 1978, who followed the cases of two boyfriends from Wichita who had become convinced, after attending a three-day Charles Bronson movie marathon, that they were in fact the actor himself. Only after being confronted by the actor, and psychologically and physically threatened, were they able to successfully break character. Since Charles Bronson passed away in 2003, however, this remedy is clearly not an option — not for poor little Dicky, not for no boyfriend! Nor can I wholeheartedly recommend destroying the jacket and boots. Dicky might take it too hard. The best solution is probably to humor him for another month or so, while gradually introducing him to different cinema actors.
Yul Brenner, for instance, or William Shatner.
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