The Gorko Gazette

While sitting deliciously nestled inside our 4D Movie Magick Love Comforter in the movie den, approximately one-third into the brand new Ti West slasher film MaXXXine, it struck both myself and my movie dog @Todd, as we watched Amber and Tabby get satisfyingly strangled to death, that there is not enough branding of corpses on the American splattergore film scene. Well hopefully MaXXXine is a sign that change is on its way! Practically every dead body in this film ends up getting branded with satanic symbols, which is exactly how this movie reviewer would do it if he were in fact the Night Stalker.

Below are three tips for making the most of your own MaXXXine viewing experience.

CREATE YOUR OWN DEPRAVED PERSONALITY BEFORE ENTERING THE CINEMA

Too many people make the mistake of assuming that their movie-going adventure begins AFTER they enter the cinema, and the curtain goes up, if you will. Do not be like those people. Instead, let the fun begin at home, as you dress for the event, much like Zendaya preparing to waltz down the red carpet at the Oscars. Does she wait until she steps out of the limousine to put on her fancy dress? No siree, she gets dolled up hours beforehand! So too should you.

If you are going to see The Garfield Movie, for example (of course you would not go to that movie, but this is just an example), dress your movie dog Ampersat Todd as Odie, while you yourself can go as Jon, or even the lasagna-loving fat cat himself (Garfield).

If you are going to a movie about a sadistic serial murderer, on the other hand, why not act the part, so to speak? My own serial killer persona is Mashed Potatoes Mitch, a sly but slightly overweight psychopath whose preferred method of murder is drowning his victims in hot mashed potatoes. He goes everywhere with a steel sieve on his head, like a helmet, a sack of spuds, and wears a special utility belt like Wonder Woman except it carries a potato peeler and of course the iconic masher.

And @Todd goes as a flying pit bull, even though he doesn’t like it.

YOU ARE WATCHING THE WRONG MOVIE

Did you actually go to The Garfield Movie?? That is the wrong movie! Get your priorities straight and DO NOT DEVIATE: if there is no branding of human corpses, no slashing, no puddles of blood, no psycho stalkers or handsome detectives, and no porno actresses, RED ALERT because you have probably strayed pretty far from what is considered acceptable in Mitch’s Movie Club. (SUBSCRIPTIONS CURRENTLY CLOSED.) The movie you are supposed to be watching (see the title of this article for a clue) is MaXXXine, with 3 Xs.

NOT ENOUGH SNACKS FROM THE BEGINING

So many amateur moviegoers make the mistake of underestimating their own need for munchies, drinks, and sweets for the duration of MaXXXine, and have to scuttle out to the concessions stand halfway through the movie! This really really really bothers my movie dog Ampersat Todd and of course myself. It is rude and reckless behavior, and the one who is going to get hurt the most is actually yourself, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO MISS ONE OF THE GREAT CORPSE BRANDINGS. MaXXXine is 104 minutes of intense murder, jump scenes, and of course close-ups of sizzling flesh (both literally and in a sexual way).

@Todd and I recommend per adult human: one extra large bucket of popcorn with extra butter, two footlong hot dogs, a jumbo Diet Coke, a red or blue slushy drink (large), one sack of Twizzlers, one large box of Junior Mints, a bag of peanut M&M’s, Milk Duds, Dots, Reeses Pieces, and of course a medium sack of Milk-Bone doggy treats.

I always be sure to bring a crinkly bag for the Milk-Bones so I don’t mix them up with the Milk Duds mid-film.

Hopefully with these three simple pointers your MaXXXine movie-going experience will be as poop-your-pants, pee-your-knickers terrifying as ours!

Image generated on Canva

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…