Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Lupita von Barge from Tupelo writes:
Lemondrop, it happened again. The next door neighbors were getting the royal shit kicked out of them by their 16-year-old daughter, I mean mom and dad were both down in a pool of blood and teeth and 16 had moved on to daddy’s new truck which she was smashing with a baseball bat, when I finally called 911. AITA because that is what the neighbors told me, that all they needed was my help getting 16 inside the house so they could tie her to the furniture again. I feel so confused.
Lemon replies:
Ah, yes, young Tina strikes again. Your neighbors are batshit crazy, Lupita, but in the case of Tina (as opposed to her older sister Tonya, who is certifiably insane and needs professional help) I think they are probably correct. Why waste an expensive and embarrassing entanglement with police and social workers when basically the brat just needs to be subdued with rigorous restraints for a few hours, to really think things over. Then back to the diet of gruel and water, and no TV for a week. Next time tell your fingers to play the This Little Piggy game before dialing, and consider who you are really helping by ratting the neighbors out to the authorities.
Lupita von Barge from Markenbaldi’s wine cellar (a different Lupita von Barge) writes:
Help I have been kidnapped and made into a slave in Markenbaldi’s basement, yes beneath his 1185 Fifth Avenue mansion in Peoria. I have been chained to steel loops in the wall and given nothing but Rice Krispies to eat, and forced to listen to Don M’s atrocious poetry, which he recites while prancing about in his bathrobe. Help me please someone help! I do not know how much more of it I can take.
Lemon replies:
Ha ha ha ha ha, as though I would fall for your silly Markenbaldi prank again, Professor Jenkins. Yes Don M. is a sociopath who lied and cheated his way to the top of his ivory tower, especially when you think about the nepotistic Sweet Valley Raisin Award, in which he won $10,000, a three-book contract, and a new Cadillac, but he is no murderer. I myself have been inside his cellar on more than one occasion, checking out his collection of bordeaux, and there were no prisoners down there. He does indeed prance, but that is no crime.
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