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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Falafel went to dog heaven

Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.

Lupita von Barge from Tupelo writes:
Dear Lemon Riley, My cat Tubbsy and my dog Falafel were the best of friends for more than ten years. When I ran over Falafel accidentally while going for groceries on September 23rd of last year, Tubbsy was watching from the window and made a horrible scene. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, LEMON. Anywho, Falafel survived for several days, but eventually we were forced to drag him out behind the shed if you know what I mean. (Falafel, that is, not Tubbsy. We took Falafel out behind the shed, said a quick prayer, and executed him with the 9mm automatic. Quick, painless, and tidy.) Ever since the passing of poor Falafel, however, Tubbsy has been angry and morose. She will not come when called, or finish a single meal, even from the Fancy Fasters tins she has always been a true pig for! This may sound paranoid, but I think Tubbsy actually blames ME for running over her best friend, and then euthanizing him without consulting a real veterinarian. But I went to nursing school for twelve weeks in 1986-87, so I THINK I KNOW WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT FOR EUTHANASIA. My life partner Doug (you know Doug, he is the one who was on that episode of Peoria Five-O in which you were interrupted hypnotizing that group of extremely young massage therapists — he was the one with the baseball bat) claims that she is suffering from ‘acute, terminal depression’ like his brother Mansplainer (not his real name, ha ha ha, his real name is Mouthy Mark) and should also be put down immediately, but I do not know. In fact, I think we should wait at least one more week. What do you think, Lemon Riley? Should we execute Tubbsy now with the automatic back behind the shed, or wait and see if she cheers up?

Lemon replies:
Oh my God, Lupita, why in the name of fucking Christ did you put Falafel down? He was a loaner dog, for crying out loud! He was not even yours, he belongs to my sister-in-law Judy from Las Vegas. She is going to KILL YOU. Holy shit what are we going to do. Yes, she and her boyfriend Bart are literally going to come to Peoria in their truck when they find out and torture all of us to death, me, you, and your stupid boy toy Doug, and probably Mansplainer too. Take a double dose of the Lemon Tonic 65 combined with two ounces of arsenic, because as of right now I no longer know you, and you will be better off dead. Goodbye.

Lupita von Barge (a different Lupita von Barge, this one from South Peoria) writes:
We have been trying to leash-train our cat Mommy but basically it is hard work and we lose interest in the sessions after about five minutes. It bores the shit out of us to train a pet! Do you think we should start over with a dog? Or perhaps a baby of our own, who would respond more anthropomorphically to commands?

We adored your Christmas Special, Limon! You were so cute in the little elf outfit!

Lemon replies:
No one — NO ONE — knows about the Christmas Special, Guadal Canal, and you had promised never to mention it. Please shut up about it in the future. And the name is LEmon.

I suggest you have a baby, because you are clearly too insensitive to care properly for a pet. Yet a human baby shall grow and soon learn to outwit you, foraging for its own sustenance, moving on its chubby baby legs, and manipulating tools such as shovels and knives with cute, yet formidable opposable thumbs, and shall overcome you, and soon dominate you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, have a baby, be my guest.

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