As many fans of Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s world-famous cooking show know so well, he NEVER recommends a new recipe without first putting it through a time-tested series of rigorous tests, which The Gorko has monikered The Rambo Routine, and been filed under disorderly conduct by Peoria’s finest. Looking to test out your own recipes before unleashing them on friends or relatives? Below is a breakdown of Rambo’s famous test.
FIRST YOU THROW IT AGAINST THE WALL (STAGE 1)
Rambo explains: ‘I take the dish, whatever it is, after it has been plated of course, and heft it like this in the palm of my hand, as though I was presenting a tray, and being VEEEEEEERY careful to keep my grip on the bottle of madeira in the other hand, I fling the whole freaking thing against the wall by Raddy’s typewriter, careful of course to splatter the little f*ggot with a bit of juice in the process. That is the only way to get Raddy to respond to my questions by the way. If the base leaves a stain on the wall representative of a four-legged mammal [on the Rambo Routine Scale of wall stains], and Raddy jumps a frickin mile, the recipe has passed Stage 1 of testing and we continue to Stage 2.’
THEN YOU KICK AND STOMP IT (STAGE 2)
Rambo explains: ‘Yet the testing has only begun. Taking a long drink from the madeira, we go over to the heap of food and kick and stomp the hell out of it. DO NOT HOLD BACK. KICK AND STOMP THE NEW RECIPE UNTIL IT IS BROKEN DOWN INTO INDIVIDUAL MOLECULES. SPHERIFY THE MOTHER. FRICKER. It is very important that you be wearing sneakers, not slippers, trust me on this one. When you see that the food has completely covered about 60 per cent of all surfaces in the vicinity of Raddy, it is time to move to Stage 3.’
TEAR OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING AND RUSH INTO THE STREET, SHOOTING YOUR GUN IN THE AIR (STAGE 3)
Rambo explains: ‘Remove the .45 Sig Sauer from the waistband of your sweat pants, wave it while screaming, and after tearing off your hair cap or shirt [reader’s discretion — Rambo recommends an article or two of outer clothing], rush from the Raddy residence, firing your semi-auto into the air, until the police arrive. Then get down on the ground like they say.’
Image generated on Magic Studio
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