*Partial transcript of broadcast segment C as read during portion of the award-winning news program ‘Around the Nation, if We Still Have One’, presented in brief snippets.*
Alaska state legislator charged with indecent exposure after staging inappropriate exhibition for unsuspecting devotees of the Northern Lights Suicide Cult.
Arizona eyeless child population rocked by allegations they’ve been exaggerating the size of a large hole in the ground.
Colorado reports an uptick in the number of non-skiers who currently identify as skiers.
Connecticut casinos erupt in violence today after every slot machine in the state begins dispensing snakes instead of coins, which, according to federal law, is not an approved currency for reward payout.
Delaware stock car enthusiast breaks world record for consecutive number of auto races attended at six.
Florida reports no news of note.
Idaho farmers address joint session of Congress today to introduce its newest cash crop, new new potatoes, what those who have tasted it are calling ‘a whole different kind of potato’.
Illinois toddler becomes first restauranteur to receive a fourth Michelin star for swanky café featuring mashed banana frittatas and confections made from cruelty-free and responsibly sourced breast milk.
Louisiana residents propose amendment to state constitution to recognize France as joint custodian of state with U.S., requesting weekend visits and monthly support payments.
Maine pensioner files grievance with local seafood bar after discovering his lobster hadn’t suffered even the slightest bit during the boiling process.
Nebraska cow chews cud and falls asleep.
New Jersey vagrant files police report claiming to have spotted and captured the elusive Jersey Devil, which turned out to have only been Jon Bon Jovi.
North Dakota mother becomes first person in state history to win first prize in the categories of ‘tallest wheat plant’, ‘most aromatic flaxseed’, and ‘slickest canola oil’ at the North Dakota State Plant Growers, Movers and Shakers Festival.
Pennsylvania librarian committed act of self-immolation this morning by setting herself ablaze inside her office surrounded by her favorite books, ‘Fahrenheit 451’, ‘Heartburn’, and ‘Please Help Me God I Am Living a Life I Cannot Bear So Now I’m Going to Leave This Cruel World by My Own Fiery Hand, a Guide’.
South Carolina’s entire population takes part in class-action lawsuit against entire population of North Carolina claiming to be the one true Carolina, and serves a stunning cease and desist letter inked in blood.
Texas barbecue master Doc Strickland gave away free meals to the bewildered today, telling them only after they’d finished eating that ‘the entire meal was made of crickets, which are high in protein, and which you didn’t notice—and it’s good for you,’ adding, ‘nanner nanner.’
Utah Jazz cheerleader Stacy Rubinski was found dead in her apartment late last night from an apparent gunshot wound to chest. Authorities have arrested and charged fan-favorite mascot Jazz Bear in the grisly attack.
Virginia flight instructor posts bail after being arrested for doing barrel roll in commercial airplane, a charge he rejects, saying, ‘I simply turned left and didn’t stop, which isn’t the same thing.’
ABOUT THE ARTIST
William M. McIntosh is a writer of drivel and collector of rejections. He loves literature, film and any other kind of art he can get his grubby little fingers on. His work has been published by Maudlin House, The /tƐmz/ Review, BarBar Magazine, Night Picnic Press, Roi Fainéant, Your Impossible Voice and others. He doesn’t tweet, but if he did it would be @moonliteciabata. You can find links to his work at www.wmmcintosh.com. He is based in Cincinnati.
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