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Prepared For My Demise

To my family and friends, I’ve not been feeling quite right for several months and I’m sure the cancer is back. I believe now is the time to prepare for my passing. Because of my giving nature, I’ve created this document so you will be ready for all that needs to occur when I ‘shuffle off this mortal coil.’ As many of you will recall from when blessed Auntie Janet died, I am well aware of the pressure and anxiety involved in responding to the death of a loved one, including organizing their funeral. To help you avoid all that stressful planning while you are grieving for me, I’ve written out the following list of assignments. I’m also including a brief list of activities in which mourners can participate during my memorial service.

After I die, please …

Post the following message on Facebook and Instagram: ‘Brian Dougal McCann is no longer among the living. He died on (fill in date) due to (fill in cause of death … indicate ‘who knows why’ if necessary). Information regarding a memorial service will be shared only with those who publicly supported Brian when he ran for Mayor of Owenton back in 2014. (Assigned to Heather – don’t forget to use ‘@BrianMcCann3.’)
Contact Roger over at Cangelosi Cremations. He’ll pick up my body from wherever it’s landed and already knows what to do after that. (Assigned to Clara – make sure they don’t cremate my iPhone. I’ve promised that to Kyle, along with my set of nudie playing cards.)
Make sure that Randy Becker knows I’ve passed. My last Will was set up with the folks over at Rudolph, Arnold, and Becker, on Adair Street. (Assigned to Tommy – I think I smelled alcohol on Randy’s breath the last time we met, so please make sure he follows through like he should.)
Find the obituary I’ve written and saved in the top left-hand drawer of my desk, in the black envelope. Deliver that obituary directly to Leslie over at the Owenton News Herald. Remind Leslie she promised to write what I had written even if ‘names are named.’ (Assigned to Reginald – do not let Rae read this document before it is delivered. She will try to rewrite it.)
Schedule a date for the memorial service with Gerry over at the Stop-On-By Restaurant, in their event room. I’ve already paid for the room and wait staff, along with $2,500 for food and an open bar. Gerry knows what food to serve depending on the time of year. Only invite folks from the list you’ll find tacked up on the cork board above my desk. (Assigned to Patty – yes, you can bring your potato salad.)
Scatter my ashes at my two favorite spots in the world: in the backyard of Momma’s house, where we used to play on that tire swing and light firecrackers, and on that ridge up above the Sugar Creek Boat Ramp, where you can watch the Ohio River flowing south … and where I lost my virginity over 50 years ago. (Assigned to Billy – no, I will never tell you to whom I lost my virginity. You wouldn’t believe it anyway.)

At the memorial service, please plan for the following activities.

At the beginning, when folks are arriving, play the music I’ve selected. You will find two mix tapes in the top left-hand drawer of my desk, titled ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ and ‘Stairway to Heaven.’ (Assigned to Ronny – no, you cannot play any George Thorogood. If Kyle wants to sing a rendition of ‘See You Again,’ let him.)
Ask everyone to fill out a nametag that includes their first name, how they knew me (e.g., ‘fellow teacher’ or ‘member of 10 Mile Baptist’), and what they thought was my best quality (e.g., ‘sense of humor’ or ‘compassion for others’ … whatever they come up with). (Assigned to Gloria – I know most people will not want to follow these instructions … just keep telling them, ‘This is what Brian wanted us to do.’)
Set up a table to give away all the moose figurines I’ve collected over the years. After buying that first one up in Maine back in 1972, I can’t believe how many I’ve picked up or been given since. (Assigned to Kyle – you always did love playing with them. Please take whichever ones you want first.)
Distribute the Mad Libs I’ve been saving in my closet, two per-person. Tell everyone they must ask someone in the room, at least one of whom they don’t know, to fill in the blanks and then read the resulting story out loud. (Assigned to Melinda, the most literary person I know … maybe collect them all at the end?)
After the Mad Libs, please ask that everyone pull up on their phones a favorite photo of a pet and share it with those who are nearby. What better way to mitigate grief than by talking about our favorite animals. (Assigned to Kiki, the biggest animal-lover I know. Also, can you print out photos of Rex and Goldie to display next to my image, at the casket?)
I want for all invited guests to have a chance to speak about their memories of me. All I ask is that their remarks be prepared. If they don’t have a sheet of paper or notes on their phone to read from, then I don’t want them blathering on at the microphone. (Assigned to Rae – remember how Uncle Roy got drunk and was mumbling his random memories at Auntie Janet’s service, for twenty minutes!? Also, make sure Mayor Buckley does not show up unannounced and try to steal the spotlight.)

You can thank me for all this planning ahead when we meet in Heaven! You’ll find me there wearing my Cincinnati Reds hat and drinking a Truth IPA!

My love to you all!!

About the artist

A college administrator by day, Bob Gielow (he/him) spins tales in formats we all use when communicating with each other: text messages, diary entries, and fictional Wikipedia posts all allow him to be clinical and thorough in describing his characters, their thinking and actions … without diminishing his ability to explore the resulting human emotions. Bob utilizes these epistolary styles, and others, to tell tales that frequently explore the most common of human experiences, death.