Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Lupita von Barge from Tupelo writes:
Dear Lemon Riley,
My dh (dear husband) of 8 years has recently begun sluffing off. When I say sluffing off I never use the term lightly: he has in fact begun completely ignoring 6 of my 10 non-negotiables, including the sitting while peeing at home stipulation, the wiping your feet vertically on the Welcome Home! mat, and the tossing clothes towards the hamper prohibition. For me these 6 items constitute a serious breach of contract, since my dh swore on the Bible to honor my 10 non-negotiables, and I gave him my virginity in 1976 based on that promise. Now I don’t know what to think! Help me, Lemondrop, is it the millennials on tweeter warping his poor confused mind, the glass of Chardonnay we share on Sundays while doing our sudoku, or something even more sinister, a big government plot involving LSD in the tap water and renationalized Sudanese?
Lemon replies:
It is the LSD in the tap water.
Lupita von Barge (a different Lupita von Barge, this one from South Peoria) writes:
Hi Lemon,
My boyfriend in 43 years younger than I am. Not that he is underaged, he is in fact 23 and studying medicine at Emory, and races Formula One as third driver for Swastika, but I recently discovered that he has another girlfriend. That’s right, ‘Billy’ found another woman. He said that it would be ‘just for sex’ but when I screamed at him that he was going to fall for her, he said I would always be his one and only, and then HE FELL FOR HER. They are here right now in my house, eating my ice cream and playing my Nintendo. What am I supposed to do, murder them with a pickaxe?
Lemon replies:
Yes, my advice would be to murder them with a pickaxe. But in all seriousness, enough of your hideous lies, Lupita von Barge. Your partner Tony, who is on my bowling team, is also in his mid-60s, and is a loving, caring partner to yourself and a wonderful father to your four children. Why do you send fiction to the Lemondrop Dream Blog? Oh or is it that…oh you mean you are talking about William.
Oh my.
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