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The Third Obituary of Hiram C. Young

It is with sadness, respect, and some chagrin that this paper announces the passing of famed cowboy, Hiram C. Young. Chagrin due to the fact that this paper already announced his passing seven months ago by his own notice. This most recent death has been confirmed by three doctors – although one remains skeptical.

Mr. Young – cowboy and fibber – was born in the mid 1800s somewhere in Maine although all suggested birthplaces are actually in Canada. His father was an indecisive Mormon, having rejoined the church up to five times before the birth of his only child. His mother was described in the kindest, most loving, and reverential language as a sow. Although both ‘Hiram’ and ‘Young’ are undisputed, the true meaning of C is of some debate. Hiram himself claimed it was short for, and not limited to; Calhoun, Courage, Colter, Coyote, Crow, Calumny, Cadmus, and Coxswain. Although this reporter had narrowed it down to either Courage or Calumny, based on previously un-opened letters addressed to Mr. Young from his own mother, The Gorko has declined to endorse either.

Hiram – cowboy, fibber, and polygamist – made his way to the State of Deseret where he joined the Mormon church after inheriting land from his father. While welcomed home by the church his interest in the faith centered on polygamy. As advertised in the Deseret News he declared, ‘I’m seeking a bride from every state, territory, and tribe in this here Union so as to better understand the fruits of the continent Honest Abe died for.’ He claimed to have succeeded in that feat. Although half the women he married had never heard of him when asked and the other half requested to remain anonymous. When the Federals cracked down on the Mormon’s polygamy Mr. Young left the church and his wives before he could be arrested and traveled north to the Absaroka Territory. All those wives he did marry continue to wait for their divorce claims to be approved by the state.

It’s in Absaroka that Mr. Young’s fame begins as a cowboy, fibber, polygamist, and gunslinger, when he defended an empty stagecoach from the notorious one-eyed bandit, Custis ‘Blinders’ Powell. Both men emptied their revolvers in a hail of bullets. Neither suffered a scratch, but no horses survived the encounter. Six months later the two met in another duel. By then Powell had misplaced his other eye somewhere. Facing the wrong direction in the street, he shot another innocent horse dead. Young claimed that their animosity began when he accidentally spooned out Powell’s eye in a barfight. When Powell was led to the gallows his last words to Young were, ‘I’ve never met this man before in my life.’

An overlooked chapter of Mr. Young’s exploits as a cowboy, fibber, polygamist, gunslinger, and mountain man was when a series of livestock attacks drove him to gather his guns and wage a one man war against animals of all stripes. Thanks to his actions the farms were spared further loss. Coincidentally the mysterious deaths of local pets skyrocketed. For his courage he was made an honorary brave of the Hooplah Indian tribe – every member of theirs being entirely of European descent. He was even adopted by their chief, Phineus Smith, or ‘He who flees taxes like a swallow in the jaws of a wolf’.

By this time Mr. Young was one of the oldest surviving cowboys, fibbers, polygamists, gunslingers, mountain men, and phenomenons in the Absaroka Territory. He’d gained a myriad of nicknames from his exploits including ‘Pain-in-the-ass’, ‘Crackpot’, ‘I-thought-he’d- be-bigger’, ‘Know-nothing’, and ‘Who?’ But his favorites were those celebrating his age. Whenever he arrived in town, adoring crowds would refer to him as ‘Old Man’ Young, ‘Pops’ Young, ‘Grandfather’ Young’, and ‘Jeezus-look-at-him-why-don’t-ya’ Young.

Mr. Young’s last claim to fame as a cowboy, fibber, polygamist, gunslinger, mountain man, phenomenon, and marksman was during the Sourdough War between two prominent ranchers. Mr. Young was distantly, vaguely, and probably related to both men, leading him to forget who he worked for on occasion and shooting at both sides. He has, and continues to, deny allegations of drunkenness during his employment but does admit that he was once shot and killed. It was during this conflict that his most famous feud with Jack ‘Pinhead’ Johnson occurred. They met several times and always shot the horses out from under each other. Their final shootout at Pacifist’s Gorge should’ve been Mr. Young’s demise was not for a stroke of luck. As he described it, ‘The gunshot spooked my nag and sent her runnin’, sending me tumbling off, my foot still in the stirrup. I shot back on instinct of being approached. Shoulda’ missed the feller by all accounts, but luckily Pinhead’s noggin’ was shaped like a banana and I took the cuss’ mop clean off.’

When old age caught up with the cowboy, fibber, polygamist, gunslinger, mountain man, phenomenon, marksman, and invalid, Mr. Young’s supporters raised money for a wheelchair. When he gambled that away they raised less money for a barrel. It is in this barrel he spent his final years and ultimately passed away. By his own direction he was buried looking west to face the land of his birth.

So ends the life of Hiram Courage or maybe Calumny Young; cowboy, fibber, polygamist, gunslinger, mountain man, phenomenon, marksman, invalid, and corpse. Thus closes another chapter on the quickly fading frontier. But rather than mourning his passing, let us remember him as he described himself: ‘I’ve never met a horse I could ride, a trigger that didn’t want to be squeezed, ora man I couldn’t lick.’

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Marsden Lyonwahl lives in his head. A graduate from the University of Washington, he’s been published in 7th-Circle Pyrite, Piker Press, and other online magazines. This is not the last you’ve heard from him.