The Gorko Gazette

Daily Humor

thegorkogazette

8.15.2026 7:00 AM

STILL FRUSTRATED THAT YOU CAN’T SPEAK PET? 3 VICTORIAN LANGUAGE HACKS ONCE THOUGHT LOST TO HISTORY

Have you been trying to speak pet to your dog or cat, or even possibly goldfish or boa you weirdo, and feel as though you are close to breaking through to their pet language (ruff ruff!), only to plateau back into non-communicative half-sensical whines, moans, barks, meows, whinnies, and hisses?

Well do not feel alone, my friend, for many thousands of pet owners just like yourself report the same situation with their Pet as a Second Language (PSL) every single day in The United States of America. AND IT IS NOT EVEN THEIR FAULT! You see, long before PSL was even an acronym, Victorians in petticoats and black tailored pants and sword canes and of course in deep shit with London constables because of the disemboweled hookers were facing these very questions, and it might surprise you to learn that they had more than a few real answers for how to talk puppy-wuppy. Today The Gorko will share with you the top 3 tricks for speaking pet previously thought lost to history.

IF YOUR PET IS DEAD YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO IT VIA PET SEANCE

Howl as much as you want, Emily Dickinson, Carlo is NOT going to speak pet with you from beyond the grave unless A) You are also in grave, or else B) You got a professional medium with a top-notch setup, and some Egyptian mummy bone powder.

Gather round the mantled table with minimal lighting, preferably a single candle, and attempt to enter Pet Semitary Mode, the infamous half hypnotic trance-like laudanum-induced state in which compulsive questions are asked. The medium shall receive the questions and scrawl the answers from Carlo or Rutabega or Chaz the Lizard in pet using the mummy bone powder upon a black velvet sheet. This will be your chance to commune with your dead pet in their own language DO NOT MESS IT UP.

THE WORD FOR FERRARI IN PET IS ACTUALLY CABRIOLET

Many pet owners, attempting to communicate with their pet in pet regarding the dangers of rushing out into the street and biting tires, make the mistake of screaming NO ROGER, PITBULLS NO LIKEE FERRARI, FERRARI BAD FOR DOGGIE. In the course of our research we were fortunate enough to uncover the monograph Cabriolet et cani nei un mare di guai (Racecars and dogs in a world of pain) by Professore Ferransi (ed. Spumosi et alii 1877), in which the Victorian substitution Cabriolet for Ferrari activates something in many pets’ brains that causes them to stand up on their hind legs and take a cup of tea instead of mindlessly chasing out the front door.

‘Lo stesso è stato dimostrato in casi che coinvolgono cittadini inglesi,’ writes the learned Professor. ‘The same has been demonstrated in cases involving Englishmen.’

ARSENIC AND OLD LACE

Have you had your arsenic and old lace talk with your pet? Oh I forgot you don’t speak pet very well! Yet the arsenic talk is of vital importance if you expect your pet to live to five, seven, or even into its mid teenage years, and if there is one thing the Victorians are absolute sports in it is deadly poisons. The word for arsenic in pet is Deadly Nightshade, and all pets know this. When your neighbor Sven tosses that poisoned steak over your fence and taffy Barnabas darts towards it with carnal intent, simply cry out DEADLY NIGHTSHADE! three times. This is pet for DANGER VICTORIAN POISON, and Barnabas if he is indeed a pet will immediately skid to a halt, and aver to lick the tainted beef.