The Gorko Gazette

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thegorkogazette

8.25.2026 7:03 AM

Highways Clogged with Traffic, City Council Moves to Purchase Giant Toilet Plunger

by Athena

FLUSHING, WISCONSIN. Our city layout has long made morning commutes a nightmare for locals. Roads have been consistently stopped up with cars, taxis, buses, and trucks as residents struggle to navigate twelve roundabouts, forty-two merges, and ‘The Gauntlet’, a real-life driving obstacle course.

The Gauntlet, designed in 1983, features a hedge maze, feral bears, swinging knives on chains, bursts of fire that shoot out of the ground at intervals, and a kid-friendly ball pit. It was originally intended to make long morning commutes fun, but now cars are packed bumper to bumper, with no end in sight.

Reporters from Channel 7 News interviewed one driver, sixty-two-year-old Rotarian, Dan MacRae. MacRae said, ‘I’ve been sitting here for forty years. I was supposed to be at the hospital ages ago! My wife is giving birth!’

In light of MacRae’s plight, City Hall finally held a community discussion yesterday morning. They invited everyone to speak about ‘The Gauntlet’ and the issues faced daily by commuters.

The meeting was briefly interrupted by Casey Archibald, forty-two, a local nuisance who wanted to complain about the gophers digging holes in his backyard. Again.

It left this reporter wondering, why doesn’t he just buy some gopher repellant, or something? He’s really starting to get on my nerves!

After Archibald was ejected from the meeting, the community rallied.

Dan MacRae, who addressed the council via his car phone, had the most compelling suggestion: to purchase a giant toilet plunger. City Council moved to purchase a fifty-foot plunger from Plungers R Us, and even sprang for rush delivery.

This morning, the streets were unclogged, and traffic flowed faster than it ever had before.

MacRae was found in the ball pit, celebrating with his wife, two sons, and eight grandchildren. When asked for comment, he replied, ‘I’m no hero. I’m just a regular guy. I did my duty as a citizen. That’s what anyone else would have done!’

About the artist

As a child, Athena longed to be transformed into a trio of mischievous armadillos standing on each other’s shoulders inside an expensive tuxedo. Five minutes later, she discovered the magic of storytelling and resolved that she would rather write. When not writing, she does other writing, because the little lever that shuts that part of her brain off broke a long time ago. Must’ve been all the armadillos bumbling around in there.