The Gorko Gazette

Daily Humor

thegorkogazette

10.14.2026 7:00 AM

CANDY BARS WITH RAZOR BLADES INSIDE RANKED BY JOHNSON STREET ADDRESS

With Halloween looming sinister on the horizon, it seems it’s that time of the year again when we rank our favorite sweets (candy bars, fudge squares, marshmallow products, bon-bons, truffles, gums, circus peanuts, giant gummies, nonpareil, nougats, taffies, toffees and even candy apples) with razor blades inside by Johnson Street address. Data is from the 2019 survey.

1st Place: 310 Johnson Street, Mrs. Mabel

A trick-or-treater’s nightmare, this lady always hands out EITHER little bags of popcorn that might as well be dusted with anthrax OR oranges that would be better off just injected with arsenic.

2nd Place: 486 Johnson Street, the Van Burens

Gosh, you might as well not even stop at this address. The Van Burens only give kids generic candy like Smikkers and Kit-Kax that may as well have razor blades inside them.

3rd Place: 1003 JOohnson Street, That Creepy Guy

There is no name on the mailbox, but I heard this guy takes big black trash bags out the back after midnight and once a lady that Jesse knows went into his house and never came out. He always leaves a bowl of M&Ms on a chair outside his front door that are gone in about 5 seconds and might as well be mustard gas for all we care.

(tied for) 4th place: 860 Johnson Street, That Asian Family

I don’t know if you like rice cakes, if you do I will trade you mine for some of your Pop Rocks. Rice cake is not even cake, it is more like unsweetened marshmallow, marshmallow sweeted only with cyanide.

(tied for) 4th place: 444 Johnson Street, Donut Lady

No one knows when she moved into the old Halvorson place, but she likes to hit little kids. She turns off her lights and closes the curtains on Halloween but on Easter she puts out homemade donuts with a sign FREE DONUTS 4U that might as well be jawbreakers.

Wherever you go trick-or-treating this year, be safe and avoid Johnson Street at all costs.