Captain James Tiberius Kirk of Starfleet Command spoke to Earth earlier this week about his plans to rejoin the crew and officers of his illustrious Starship Enterprise for one final glorious voyage. The intergalactically famous Captain has recently finished a fourteen-month training program in which he lost 3 pounds, increased his tolerance for warm vodka, and literally reversed his body’s aging process.
‘The idea is to boldly go where no man has gone before,’ Captain Kirk explained, ‘and seek out new life and civilizations, optimistically speaking that have green women with three boobs kind of thing.’
The Captain’s voyage was rescheduled for Wednesday due to faulty lining in one of the walk-in beer coolers.
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