They have left you again because you are a selfish, thoughtless excuse of a human being and just lie there instead of doing yoga before dawn. But you still have to pay the rent, so let’s get out there and get back to work, bucko! Here are 5 breakfast cereals to fuel your physical body while your mind and soul are broken and reeling.
LUCKY PRINCE CHARMINGS
Lucky Prince Charming will be a constant reminder of the Lucky Prince Charming who took them away from you. He is better-educated, better-looking, AND contains more sugary goodness per dry ounce than you do.
HONEY NUTS OF DEATH
Do not make the mistake of repeating history: bear constantly in mind that you were a FRIGGING PSYCHOPATH and they are better off with Prince Charming in his mansion.
FLAKES OF WOE
They flaked off, not you. You were the strong, the loyal, the caring, the affectionate, the sexy, the loveable one. You were basically a Golden Retriever, and they jerked your leash, and then left, the rapists. They are dog beaters and should be shot.
CINNAMON TOAST ON THE FLOOR BUTTER SIDE DOWN
These lovely bites of cinnamon squares will remind you of the way they used to make you breakfast in bed with delightfully buttered cinnamon toast, and you can cry over that for awhile, enjoy.
These ho-shaped bites of insanely bitter cereal will get stuck in your cavities and burn all the way through you, reminding you of all the love you will never ever enjoy again, you friggin Loser, you sad disaster of a human being.
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