HOW TO SNUFF YOUR CANDLE - The Gorko Gazette

Many new castle owners, although happy with their candlelit halls and chambers, wonder if they are snuffing their candles correctly. This is the Gorko‘s authoritative guide to snuffing your candle.

FIRST A WORD ON BITING LIT CANDLES

An extremely common, tyro lord of the manor mistake is to try to put out a candle by biting at the wick. This can lead to serious injury and even death if there is schnapps involved.

ALWAYS SNUFF BETWEEN THUMB AND INDEX FINGER

Many new castle owners try to go down the corridor and snuff hundreds of thousands of candles with their pinky or ring fingers. This often results in mutilation of the fingers and even castle fires, when the candelabra are upset into the rich tapestries. Candle snuffing experts will recommend always using the larger fingers, such as thumb and index or middle fingers to snuff multiple candles, and to lick well between snuffs.

GET A CANDLE-SNUFFING DOG

Many new castle owners rely on candle-snuffing dogs to do the inevitable work of snuffing hundreds of thousands of candles. These are specially trained canine companions whose main function is, well, to snuff candles. What is the downside? Well, occasionally the candle-snuffing dogs can be too enthusiastic about their work and go on candle-snuffing rampages that end in tragedy.

Other animals commonly trained to snuff candles are monkeys and United States senators.

DON’T BLOW THE FIRE INTO THE HISTORIC ARCHIVES, RUPERT

Many beginning snuffers make the mistake of blowing out their candles rather than snuffing them. This invariably leads to costly and dangerous castle fires. Basically everything in your new abode is flammable, even the bones of the ancestors.

CONVERT YOUR CASTLE TO ELECTRIC LIGHT

Ha ha ha. Just kidding. What kind of a castle would it be if you could just flip a switch and light the place up? Who would want to live in a place like that?

USE A CANDLE SNUFFER BUT KEEP IT IN A SECRET LOCATION (NOT RECOMMENDED)

Another and perhaps obvious option is to use an actual candle snuffer to snuff your candle. However, many castle owners have themselves been snuffed out by home invadors who use the heavy, truncheonlike candle snuffer to beat them when surprised at the safe in the study. If you do decide to go this route please be responsible and keep your snuffer in a very secure place, preferably behind lock and key.