by J.B. Davis

Determining Whether Or Not I Forgive The Germ Giver.

There I stood, looking back to see where the delightful jingle was coming from. It was at that moment that I saw him. In what felt like a music video in slow motion, the man who didn’t have a care in the world looked at me- and in the middle of his awe-inspiring performance of Bobby McFerrin’s song, ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy,’ he winked at me as I stood in a shocked state, using the urinal. I felt the warmth traveling from my foot to my heart as I unknowingly wetted myself in my state of fascination. Something wasn’t right though, and it wasn’t my soggy foot. 

After bearing witness to the fascinating man singing, I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t wash his hands at the sink. While still performing the song, he simply pulled his pants up even higher, smiled at himself in the mirror, and rubbed his unwashed hands through his slicked back hair. Next, he put his filthy hands on the handle of the only exit door, which I too must touch. I desperately wanted to look past this poor choice of his, simply because of the happy tune he enlightened me with. Thoughts raced through my head in what felt like many minutes, but in reality was only seconds. Could I forgive this man of his unpardonable sin? I asked myself. I could have said something, but no one likes a party pooper – especially in the restroom.

The entire event really made me question my core beliefs about potty hygiene and humor. On one (washed) hand, I can’t get out of that nasty public restroom fast enough for fear of contracting some disease. You’d think I’d be able to handle my dilemma. This wasn’t my first time using a public restroom. I’ve experienced a used toilet seat before, once acquired PTSD from the frightening sounds in the stall next to me, and even at one point developed bronchiectasis from the near toxic odors that only occur in a Taco Bell restroom. Opposite of that are the incredible moments when you get to witness one making magic, such as the gentle soul singing the now infamous ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy,’ as his plague-passing paws poisoned the pull handle. 

I’d rather curse at whoever chose that song to be played over the restroom speaker in the first place. Keep those songs out of public restrooms, and away from the urinals and toilets that innocent patrons might be using. You can’t have the urinal cake and eat it too. Clearly, the jolly jingles will distract someone, which will cause them to do something stupid- like forgetting to wash their hands. 

Let’s make angry songs the common theme of restroom music. I have no doubt that the Three Days Grace song, ‘I Hate Everything About You’ would do wonders with helping patrons scrub the hell out of their hands as they seek to destroy any germs. ‘Territorial Pissings’ by Nirvana should be welcomed too.

Photo by Sean Horsburgh on Unsplash


J.B. (@_JBDavis_) has written for a handful of humorous sites while also writing and producing for his podcast, The Jesting Journal. When he’s not writing, he can be found in a tree in his backyard eating from a can of SpaghettiOs.