Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is The Glass Is Half Empty.
Many poets, eternal optimists, gazing out across their low-income concrete slab housing block with its broken sidewalks, empty KFC buckets, weedy medians and broken-down jalopies, exclaim triumphantly that The Glass Is Half Full. That, my friends, is not this week’s Theme because The Glass Is Not Half Full, no way José, not even close. The Glass, and I hate to break this to you on a Tuesday, but The Glass Is Half Empty.
ONE HALF OF YOUR DRINK HAS ALREADY BEEN DRUNK SO THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY, MOFO
No one can deny that when you started out you had a full glass, a glass full to the brim. Now The Glass Is Half Empty, because half of its contents have already been drained, or sloshed from the glass. You have to go through half air to get to the good part because The Glass Is Half Empty.
IF YOU WERE A HALF FULL KIND OF PERSON YOU WOULD BE FORCED TO WRITE ABOUT RAINBOWS AND ANGELFOOD CAKE
Take a step back and look at the big picture, kiddo: poets who think that The Glass Is Half Full are the same people who think that rainbows are interesting. Flee the scene, brother, nursing your half empty glass as you go.
CHARLIE SHEEN SAYS THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY, SO THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY
Just ask Charlie Sheen, mixing fabulous cocktails beachside at his luxurious Malibu penthouse, whether The Glass Is Half Full or The Glass Is Half Empty, and he will reply that you need to fill that empty glass up, not to mention get up off of that thing and start dancing.
Join Teddy every week as he goes stalking the internet in search of new Themes.