WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR STAMP LICKER RUNS OUT OF SALIVA

We have all been there: right in the middle of licking about 150 stamps when the stamp licker (GB patent no. 756, 1898) runs out of saliva. Well don’t panic! There is absolutely no reason to let your licker run dry this holiday season. Here are The Gorko‘s top 3 hacks to guarantee you a moist and tonguelike licker throughout the holidays.

USE REAL SALIVA

We know what you are thinking: gross! This is exactly why you got the stamp licker ($39.99 plus postage) in the first place, so even if people got one of your notoriously damp letters in the mail and thought, Nasty look what Chet has gone and done, smeared this thing with his own personal juices, they would be wrong.

N.B. Be sure to use only professionally tested, COVID-free saliva on your stamps.

IF YOUR LICKER IS A DOG, TRY PORTERHOUSE STEAK

If your ‘stamp licker’ is not one of the patented machines but rather a drooling dog or cellar gimp, and that drool has run dry, you may need to cut out the dry dog food for a short time and substitute something really tasty. We recommend thick-cut porterhouse steaks or T-bones, and watch out Old Faithful!

N.B. Make sure you get the drool BEFORE actually serving up the meat, or the precious liquid may get all swallowed up, ESPECIALLY in the case of smaller-glanded cellar gimps.

TRY BOOGERS INSTEAD OF SALIVA

Stringy wet boogers have long been known as a substitute for postal stamp glue. If your boogers are coming out too dry and flakey, prep your ‘nose stickers’ by watching three and no more than three episodes of Call The Midwife before you start mining.

N.B. If you don’t know what the perfect ‘nose sticker’ should look like, watch this video.