MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: ‘THIRTEEN LIVES’ OR DO YOU MEAN ‘THIRTEEN LIES’

SPOILER ALERT: THIS MOVIE IS BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF THE 2018 THAI CAVE RESCUE MISSION IN WHICH 12 KIDS AND A SOCCER COACH WERE TRAPPED IN A CAVE COMPLEX BY UNDERWORLD SPIRIT CREATURES BUT EVENTUALLY SAVED BY A TALL DARK STRANGER KNOWN ONLY AS STRIDER (VIGGO MORTENSON) WHO WEILDS THE SWORD OF JUSTICE, BUT HIS RIGHT-HAND THANE CHOKKO DIES TRAGICALLY IN THE ATTEMPT

TRIGGER WARNINGS: CAVES, SPIRIT CREATURES, UNSHEATHINGS

One of the great things about being a famous movie reviewer is that you get invited to movie premiers, which are a kind of coming-out party for movies with the director and actors and select crew and of course critics and studio bigwigs. I like to go for the free Sprite (on the rocks) and pretzels, and let me tell you the Thirteen Lives premier did not disappoint. What did disappoint was the movie itself, which would have been more aptly titled Thirteen Lies, because it was not even close to being a faithful representation of the actual Tham Luang cave rescue mission event, something you too would know if you had watched the trailer for the 2019 documentary The Cave.

The Cave trailer begins with a shot of an underground cave system (we must presume that this is The Cave) rapidly filling with water. This is what really happened when one afternoon after soccer practice a group of boys decided to descend into the Tham Luang Nang Non Cave (I just call it The Cave) in northern Thailand to share their delicious lunch of sticky rice and saucy curry, and were overtaken by a tidal wave of rising rain water that trapped them deep underground, at the back of The Cave.

@Todd, being an indifferent swimmer (he only knows how to dog paddle), was particularly affected by the tense documentary filmmaking, in which at least three of the non-swimmer boys were swept away immediately out of view of the camera. True to their art, however, the film crew plunges right on ahead, so to speak, and faithfully continues shooting the Thai Navy SEAL divers who also happened to be in The Cave that afternoon as they plunge again and again into the frigid cave waters in an attempt to make contact with the footloose children, not your casual spelunking!

The dramatized version of events, on the other hand, Thirteen Lies by director Sean Markenbaldi and his cadre of bushwackers, decides to pin its focus on the long-dead ghost of SEAL commander Pod Hamthockiangchai, who would eventually lose his life in a valiant rescue attempt. THIS IS THE FIRST LIE. According to the documentary trailer for The Cave POD NEVER EVEN KNEW HIS FATHER. You lie, Sean Markenbaldi.

Once the seal (so to speak) is off the bladder the stream of lies only becomes thicker, and they include: Ekkaphon Kanthawong the team coach being played by Brad Pitt, who is not even remotely Thai despite the sad attempt to elongate his eyes with scotch tape; the fact that the boys in Markenbaldi’s idiot script drink the water in The Cave, when in fact it was chock full of their own urine and bobbety fecal matter; everyone speaking in Thai when in the authoritative version The Cave all the boys were clearly versed in English with cute little accents; and most egregious of all, Markenbaldi’s attempt at substantiating the rumor that the boys were passed by ‘daisy chain’ from diver to diver is as insulting and mortifying as it is ludicrous.

IN THE REAL CAVE THERE WAS NO TIME FOR HANKY PANKY.

Yet for all of its shortcomings (lies and fibs) Thirteen Lives did at least do justice to the homecoming scene in which the children (boys) were reunited with their parents, and a gang of unruly fathers and brothers beat the stuffing out of the 25-year-old soccer coach Ekkaphon (Fonsie to his friends).

Do not take dogs to this picture! Be ready to cover the eyes of your children when you get to the daisy chain part! Write mean letters to Sean Markenbaldi, poser and hack! And if you happen to see my mother traipsing around West Hollywood with a high roller named Darby tell her I have the coupons, though they appear to have expired.

2 out of 5 puppies.