While rewatching the FABULOUS Wayne Wang (tee hee hee) 2002 blockbuster rom-com Maid in Manhattan starring J-Lo (if I may, Jennifer) and Ralph (Ralph does not pronounce the L in his name) Fiennes, between household chores and of course the 3 dozen review deadlines for WOW!, Treats for Tony, Cinema of the Gods, Revue Semestrielle d’Manny, Asian Cinemaphilia, Vertiginous She Wrote, COBET, Zloty by Zladamir, Nouvelles Movies, MyMitchell, The Moving Picture Magazine, Lumiaren’t, Kino in a Kimono, and 8mmmmm, among others, while ON PAUSE FOR POPCORN, myself and @Todd could not help but ask ourselves how the OTHER HALF (you people) watched Maid in Manhattan, and what terrible mistakes you may be making in the process, either of omission or comission!
NO MOVIE MAGICK 4D LOVE COMFORTER CLOAKED ABOUT YOUR DELICIOUSLY NESTLED FORMS
Your movie-viewing experience was probably doomed from the very outset, since you failed to lay in two or three of the very latest Movie Magick(TM) 4D Love Comforters, that turn what would be an otherwise pedestrian 3D moviegoing experience into a tactile, literally MOVING movie ride. The third generation 4D Love Comforter now not only jumps, puckers, pricks, and performs five different kind of hug, it also changes temperatures, excretes liquids and smells (unfortunately not always Ralph’s signature cologne) and shoots actual flames. Just plug it into your smart TV and play, babes.
YOU ARE WATCHING THE WRONG MOVIE
Oops you mistook the awful 1974 Made in Manhattan, a movie about a troubled waste disposal management executive and his despicable cat Balloons, for the gorgeous tear-jerker Maid in Manhattan. That is what Ampersat Todd calls a 2-letter errar! Rarr rarr!
THE PLOT IS TOO CONFUSING FOR YOUR POOR LITTLE BRAIN
Maid in Manhattan, with its byzantine plot, is not for all types of viewers. Many non-movie critics have complained about being completely lost even before Lionel, who has realized that Marisa is the woman whom Chris has been desperately searching for (he is clearly the Prince Charming figure in this star-STUDded gem), tells Marisa (who has been mistaken for Caroline) to take her place at the gala and terminate the affair imMEdiately if she ever expects a future in management or even cleaning out dust bins, bitch. Stephanie and the rest of the hotel staff assist Marisa (who is supposed to be Caroline, or if not Richard Nixon, played by tubby old Bob Hoskins) to prep for the evening by doing her hair and nails and loaning her an expensive gown and shiny, godawful necklace.
Do you see what I mean? The first seven times we watched Maid in Manhattan Ampersat Todd refused to come out from under the shivering, bumping duvet.
Yet fear not, fine fettled friends, there are other movies for the likes of you. Catch one of them next time the next time this man mashes movies. Ta ta!
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