‘ZORGAZMO’ HAS BEEN UNVEILED AS THE OFFICIAL MATCH BALL OF THE FIFA MEN’S WORLD CUP 2026
ZORGAZMO (pictured above), the Official Match Ball of the FIFA Men’s World Cup 2026 was unveiled last night in a spectacular show 12,450 miles above FIFA headquarters in Zurich.
FIRST CONSECUTIVE BALL BY ZORGON INC. SHALL FEATURE AUTHENTIC HUMAN PLASMA SMEARED AND SPLATTERED ACROSS AT LEAST ONE-THIRD OF ITS SURFACE
The first ever football designed by Zorgon Inc. of Planet Zorgon shall be smeared in actual human blood removed surgically from sacrificial human football hooligans.
‘Rahhhrgg rarhhgf zbbbt ujihb ftriji,’ said First Counselor Zorg Rariji of the Greater Planetary Alliance of Human Football (RAHR): ‘We already have more than two hundred volunteers from more than 120 human countries.’
However, some scholars have disputed the translation of the Zorgon suffix -ihb, which serves to attach ‘volunteer’ (ihb) to the preceding word, claiming that in Zorgon society the process of voluntary servitude almost always involves threat of lethal force to the ‘volunteer’ and/or their family.
‘Volunteer just means slave in Gorgon,’ said PIT linguist Sharps Butkin, coming to the surface of his bunker to pay for his weekly pepperoni pie. ‘They will invite you to the tournament aboard their host spacecraft. DO NOT GO, RADDY.’
THE DESIGN OF 2026’S MATCH BALL WAS INSPIRED BY THE SEVERE BUT UNIQUE LANDSCAPES OF PLANET GORGON
Basically images of Planet Gorgon show what could be a firelit torture chamber in the deepest ring of hell. No sunlight penetrates the thick layer of black cloud ringing the dark planet, nor can the screams for mercy be detected from outside its atmosphere.
The irregular stitching represents the historic, hard-fought conquest and consolidation of The Gorgon System by Planet Gorgon representatives.
TEAM ZORGON WILL ALSO PLAY IN UNIFORMS SMEARED WITH HUMAN PLASMA
The ‘volunteers’, already donating plasma in live tanks aboard Zorgon Death Cruisers ZR3-38YT and ZR3-52YT (you have probably seen them), will also be providing plasma to be smeared on the home team’s ‘hand-sewn with human skin’ (whatever that means) jerseys.
Said the First Counselor, ‘Rarrgh!! WE SOLEMNLY INAUGURATE THIS MATCH BALL AS A SIGN OF PEACE AND GOODWILL TOWARDS HUMAN VOLUNTEERS. IT IS OUR SINCEREST DESIRE TO JOIN IN YOUR INTERNATIONAL BALL SPORT AS A SIGN OF OUR PEACEFUL UNION EAT BABIES EAT BABIES.’
Image generated on Stable Diffusion
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