Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Rubelskein from Chicago, IL emails:
Dear, Lemon. My son Rubelskein Jr. and I are both now tall men. I am six foot eight and Junior weighs in at six foot nine and a half. And we are fricking tired of people mentioning this in casual conversation! Even people who don’t know us seem to pick us out of a crowd and blurt inappropriate remarks about our heights! We are giants, freaks, ents, must have been cornfed as boys, we tower over others, and it is assumed that we play a mean game of basketball. (Not true, though I routinely beat Junior in HORSE.) Dear Lemon, how can we appropriately deal with these insensitive people and their inane comments? We have rejected the notion of physical attacks, since the smart-alecks would in most cases not stand a chance against large men such as ourselves.
Lemon replies:
Many people making remarks about tall/large men are in fact simply making a clumsy attempt at a compliment, Rubelskein. (Are you the same Rubelskein who played semi-pro basketball in Peoria during the 1998-99 seasons? Just wondering, because you ARE freakishly tall and gangly!) I would turn the issue on its head, as only you could, I mean you must have amazing leverage, and thank the people who remark on your height! The next time for example someone says, Wow look at Stretch, or Gumby has nothing on this dude, just smile and say, He sure do not!
Rose (again) from Pottstown, Illinois writes:
Hi Lemon. I recently left my boyfriend to be with you, but you rejected my advances: phone calls, text messages, emails, letters, even house calls were all spurned. Last week my brother died unexpectedly and from the moment we lay him to rest in the Coronel Park City Cemetery his widow has been treating me like a complete b*tch, making fun of the way I cry and the way I dress, including my collection of knit sweaters, and also, like yourself, refusing to reply to my text messages in a timely fashion. She will not reply to any of my communications before allowing 24 hours to elapse. Everything with her is just like a slap in the face, but especially when she talks about my knitting.
I have knitted you a Valentine’s Day present, but I will not give it to you unless you agree to see me to talk about my grief, this Thursday February 8th at Gina’s Café on Third Avenue, Peoria at 9 am sharp. That’s in Illinois.
Anxiously yours, Rose
Lemon replies:
You do not have a brother, Rose, so it is unlikely he has died, but nice one anyway, you manipulative little c***. If I only knew how my actions (buying you dinner, once, then refusing to kiss you goodnight) in 2014 would come back to haunt me! BTW this does not get you off the hook for the $2,540 you still owe Lemondrop Inc. for life doctor services in 2022-24, apart from your herbal remedy tab. You clearly know our address, and that of our attorney.
Roofies from Cruger writes:
[Blah blah blah…not really worth repeating here.]
Lemon responds:
This sounds a lot like the last missive we received from you, Roofies, in which you went on and on about your ‘dh’ [dear husband], whatshisname. I recommend that you continue with the Lemondrop Tonic #9 Mouthwash (NOT the douche) and say twenty Ave Marias before bed.
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