The Gorko Gazette

Not sure what to get your loved ones this holiday season? Fear not; our resident convicted felon has got you covered!

Stocking Stuffers

Ski Mask:

If you’re sick of the world and wish to slip into incognito mode, there’s no better option than a ski mask. It exudes an unapproachable aura that warns, ‘Social interactions not permitted.’ Wear it the next time you go grocery shopping and watch in awe as familiar faces avoid you at every turn.

When discussing fabrics, I prefer wool over cotton. Wool is thicker, which means you’ll be warmer. It also obscures facial features more effectively than cotton, which makes late-night gas station robberies a breeze.

OxyContin:

We all get banged up from time to time. Whether suffering a fall on the ice or taking one too many bullets during a shootout, you can count on OxyContin to alleviate the pain. It also serves as an excellent launching pad for heroin, which I can score for you at a discounted price. You know, should you be interested.  

Nylon Gloves:

Sometimes, even the smoothest criminals fall flat. A set of bloodstained fingerprints cost me my freedom in ’93. It’s because I didn’t wear nylon gloves. With nylon gloves, you can kiss those incriminating smudges goodbye and focus on the time-sensitive work that’s important to you. When committing a crime, don’t settle for cheap hand protection. Trust in nylon.

Brass Knuckles:

Perhaps your niece or nephew is struggling at school with some snot-nosed bullies. Relax – I’m not going to suggest a deadly weapon. That would be immoral. Instead, I propose a subtle pair of brass knuckles. One swift punch to the face will eliminate any threat. After they’ve exacted revenge, your niece or nephew should discard the evidence. Tossing the hardware in a sewer grate will work just fine.

Wrapped Gifts

Bullet Proof Vest (Used):

Let’s face it: this country is fucked. According to the Gun Violence Archive, over 400 mass shootings occurred in America this year. If you don’t want to get strapped, you might as well don some armor. Now, you’ll notice this vest has some defects. It suffered slight damage from a series of ‘tests’ I conducted before getting locked up. Honestly, it’ll work fine. Just try not to pick at the punctured areas; you’ll only make the holes bigger. 

Meth Lab Training Kit:

For the chef of the family, I recommend a meth lab training kit. Cooking meth is a practical life skill that rewards exemplary candidates with outstanding money-making opportunities. Now, before you chastise me, yes, I am aware that meth is an illegal substance. But who knows what the future holds! Perhaps lawmakers will wake up and smell the coffee! Until then, familiarize yourself with a harmless training kit.

Full Canister of Gasoline:

Jesus, gas got expensive while I was in the joint. Gasoline becomes handy when faced with mountains of incriminating evidence and a ticking clock. Simply pour, light, and walk away dramatically. You could also use this to fuel a getaway car. Ditto a boring normie car.

6″ Double-Cut Bastard File:

First aid gear. A whistle. Water. A flashlight. Extra batteries. A map.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a crisis, chances are these items were in your emergency kit. An item that often gets neglected from such kits is a 6″ double-cut bastard file.

‘Will a 6″ double-cut bastard file help me if my car breaks down?’

It likely won’t.

‘Will it help me if I get lost on a hike?’

Doubtful. But if you ever find yourself trapped inside a 48 sq ft cell, a 6″ double-cut bastard file is all the help you’ll need.

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ABOUT THE ARTIST

Torrey Kurtzner is an out-of-work writer and master of self-deprecation. Against the better judgment of his peers, he’s determined to pursue a career within the creative arts, even if it kills him.

Image generated on Magic Studio

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