Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Lupita von Barge from Tupelo writes:
The Holiday Season is always stressful, but this year has been extra difficult THANK YOU to Jeff von Barge (Jeff as you recall is my life partner, he buys a lot of your ointments and was once on Oprah) and his seasonal job as a sidewalk chicken at Pilot Perry’s Perfect Pot Pie. I am not used to being home alone, me the girl-next-door type, and it has proven to be an utter catastrophe! That is right, I have been absolutely carpet bombed by a flying buffet of door-to-door salesmen, plumbers, milkmen, and the latest 2024 addition to the horndog circus, Over Eats drivers! No I do not need a new stove, NO I do not consume dairy, and THANK YOU VERY MUCH my plumbing is in perfect working order. So the choice comes down to the Over Eats boys, to be honest. When you order an Over Eats boy, Lemon, what is the best restaurant or catering service you have found to lure him to your doorstep or even, if he is a lucky plump little one, into your lemony-scented house on 156 Flatiron Blvd, Las Vegas?
Lemon replies:
How is the ulcer, Guadalupe, you no-good tramp? I expect payment in full for the bust of W.R. which you broke last time you BARGED past my secretaries and into the Floral Room, where I was busy with another patient. And your doubly risible message, written on Christmas stationary from about 1983 it would seem! As though any Over Eats boy would step inside the cage trap you call a house on 14 Wabashee Drive, Tupelo after sniffing your hideous pepperoni breath. After getting just a glimpse of the ghastly eczema that covers your pendulous cleavage through the dirty negligee! After being warned urgently by the electric, flashing signs displayed on both sides of your lawn by the neighbors Sharleen and Doug, respectively, that read BEWARE THE BARGE and BARGE NOT IN.
But to answer your question, I have in recent months allowed my Over Eats boy game to morph, as it were, and now just order the cheapest thing around, like Taco Bell with a Diet Coke. It works fine! Gone are the days of the six-course meal from Le Sampson, with which I would seduce even the stubbornest Overboy! My tactics have changed, but my winning ways continue, Guadalupe. Not gone is my hope or joie de vivre, which is not something that can not be said for everyone.
Lupita von Barge (a different Lupita von Barge, this one from South Peoria) writes:
You may not remember me, but you hypnotized me in 1997, or thought you did. You see I was not really in a deep trance, with my subconscious laid bare for you to tamper with, you charlatan! This was revealed to me recently by Dr. Markenbaldi of Tennessee State University, who took me back to that fateful afternoon when you supposedly cured me of my detestation for onion, and showed me that the disgust still roiled inside me, like monstrous layers of lie. You are a fraud, and I want the whole world to know it!
Lemon replies:
Ha ha ha ha ha, as though I would fall for your silly Markenbaldi prank again, Professor Jenkins. Or is it Don Markenbaldi himself who is writing this time? There IS NO LUPITA VON BARGE OF SOUTH PEORIA. I looked it up in the telephone directory myself. Next time at least try to impersonate a real person!
And for the record, the procedure performed on Lupita von Barge of South Peoria in 1997 was a complete success. As she emerged from her somnambulant state she was offered a plate of raw onion, which she polished off in less than thirty seconds. She was cured, I tell you, by my gentle, soothing, and inexpensive life-goal treatment.
Stop harassing me at my office and stay away from my Santa’s elves on the front lawn, or you will DIE.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
The Lemondrop Dream Blog FAQ
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Never sleep under a moving ceiling fan
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Are Citrus and Celeb Normal?
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Husband won’t stop using the word ‘chuffed’
The Lemon Reilly Dream Blog : Therapist eats out of multiple McDonald’s takeout bags during sessions
Leave a Reply