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BY MITCHELL KENNEDY

Since so many of you would clearly believe anything the mighty lord Raddy ever published in his despicable newsletters, never considering how he slanders me and all of his collaborators, printing lies about our potty habits and movie dogs, I have opted to write this week’s entertainment column myself. That is correct, I am bypassing the network of gorillas Raddy has in place to censor true thought and stifle my art: I have logged into Raddy’s own desktop computer, which he left unguarded after a session with his so-called friends Rambo and Jack, and am publishing this unedited, uncensored article about something that finally really matters to Peoria and the world: the four words that will drive every man absolutely wild during a movie, guaranteed.

WHAT ABOUT DOGS DURING A MOVIE

Ampersat Todd also considers himself a man — a man of limited intelligence who will never go to college and probably die before he reaches the age of twenty, and yet a man. And @Todd goes absolutely wild when he hears the four words I am about to reveal to you. He barks his little moviegoing head off! He races back and forth across our movie comforter, sending the popcorn and bags of candy corn and platters of mini corndogs flying! He yips and he yaps, he growls and whines, and then he double-times it over to his potty pad because these four words make him so excited he has to pee!

And I would be a big fat liar if I said I behaved any differently.

LET ME GUESS THE FOUR WORDS ARE ‘YOU FEEL SO GOOD’

Nope, wrong answer. You have been spending too much time reading those relationship columns in He Said, She Said that Lemon Reily writes under the nom du quill of Marina Shaquiat! For the four words that Mitchell loves to hear during a movie are not whispered by a romantic partner, unless you consider Clark or Carey to be romantic partners, speaking to Mitchell from their large, silver mouths.

ERNEST BORGNINE ONCE SAID ‘WE AIN’T SUCH DOGS’ — THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY!

No offense to any movie dogs out there, but that line is nearly always quoted out of context: Ernest Borgnine WAS a dog!

AND THE FOUR WORDS ARE…

Do whatever you want, Mitchell! Yes those are five words, because I added my own name to the expression. It does not matter: I hear my name when Gregory lisps these four magic words, and somewhere in movie heaven, I am certain he is looking down right now, strumming his harp and crooning, Do whatever you want, Mitch.

Well Mitch is going to press PUBLISH is what he is going to do. Do whatever you want to me, Raddy! I shall DO WHATEVER I WANT!