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Although Gorko Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy did not receive his coveted invitation to the 97th Academy Awards Night, scheduled for this Sunday, March 2 at Dolby Theater in Hollywood, he only pouted about it for several weeks and has now been talked into writing down his predictions for the evening: who will win Best Picture, which of the best director nominees will take home a golden statuette, and what movie reviewers Timothée Chalamet will mention in his acceptance speech.

Hello fellow movie buffs! Myself Mitchell Kennedy with my movie dog Ampersat Todd have been bu-sy preparing a list of predictions for that most magical of all movie nights, the Academy Awards. Predicting this year’s winners was particularly difficult due to the fact that, in protest to being snubbed by the AMPAS and refused an invitation to the awards ceremony (me! a famous movie reviewer), I no longer watch movies. Yet where there is a will there is a way, and what I am about to reveal to you is, we both feel, a list of our most inspired predictions ever: yes, it is true, predictions inspired by hate and grief, by the incomprehensible pain caused us by the Academy in their rejection of our persons and gifts, but predictions that are almost certain to come true.

Clairvoyance has struck us, at the tender age of 57 in dog years.

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

The one with the black woman in green face paint steals the statuette. Do not ask me how I know: it is because she came to me in a dream, Ampersat, in which I was paralyzed and seemed to be awake, as she sat on my chest and attempted to strangle me.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Back in my day we said actor for actresses, and Cracker Jack boxes came full to the brim. The award goes to Emilia Pérez, playing the part of Karla Sofía Gascón, a Spanish trans actor who only wants to sing her way to the top, but is prevented by a group of extremely mean, potty-mouth Mexicans. Truly the performance of a lifetime. I should know: I have tried for years to pass myself off as a woman during those Rocky Horror marathons, and just get laughed at by Raddy and the others! Bravo Emilia.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

The award for Best Actor goes to stud top gunner Timothée Chalamet, whose name resembles a chameleon, for his performance as Elvis in the spendy biopic A Complete Unknown. A daring and heterosexual performance, Timmy — those hips don’t lie.

BEST DIRECTOR

Who will win Best Boss this year? Judging from the surnames alone, James Mangold will swoop in and take home the coveted Oscar. Although a mere human with a flesh and blood interior, a man named Mangold is clearly the correct person to hoist the bronze on the inside, gold on the outside prize. James may in fact also win in all the other categories.

BEST PICTURE

Picture is what they call a movie in Hollywood, @Todd, stop barking your little head off. This just means Best Movie, and the award will go to…

(sounds of Mitchell opening an envelope — he made up cards with all his predictions and put them in gold-fringed envelopes earlier this week)

…The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, again! That is right, no movie shall ever replace the third installment of Peter Jackson’s Tolkien adaptation, full of swords and cute elves, hairy-footed hobbitses, dwarves, wizards, and slimy gollumses as it is. THE LORD OF THE RINGS WINS AGAIN, and Wicked shall have to be content with a prize for makeup.

See you all next year, if I do not die of sadness first.

ABOUT MITCHELL KENNEDY, M.F.A.

Mitchell Kennedy (M.F.A. Film Studies 1984, Leonard University) is the Gorko entertainment editor. He writes the weekly film column Mitch’s Movie Mash with his puppy Ampersat Todd.